New organization hopes to bring as many babies into the world as possible
A local high school had the privilege of hearing a speaker from a new organization: Unplanned Parenthood.
“Our mission is to make sure that there are as many babies being born today as there ever were, until tomorrow.” said John Gumba, spokesperson of Unplanned Parenthood.
Like Gumba said, this organization’s main goals are to ensure there are lots of babies being born. “It’s about choice really.” Gumba said, smoking a cigar.
“And that’s what life is about. I’m sure the critics will argue that we are forcing women into servitude, but that’s just not true. These women can make the choice to have children or not. Who says having children is detrimental to you economically and socially? I think that babies are great, and you don’t have to be a doctor to see that. These women have a choice, but I’m just telling them what they’re missing out on. It is my goal that every woman in this country is producing as many babies as they can.”
Last week the organization went into the high school, where they distributed pamphlets, brochures, and broken condoms. “It is our job to make sure every mistake becomes a blessing for the rest of people’s lives,” Gumba said. “I mean who doesn’t love babies right?”
Apparently no one. As the organization left the school, it was reported that three women were now pregnant, including the 57 year old librarian.
Taylor Walsh, 18, said she was equally excited for the prospect of giving birth to a slimy, expensive baby. “I just felt so inspired to have children after watching Mr. Gumba’s presentation that I immediately texted my boyfriend and it just happened. I already called Harvard and told them to renounce my scholarships so I could stay home and have this baby.”
The father of the child has asked to remain un-named, but you can see him this fall as Cornell linebacker number 16.
“It was totally my choice to have this baby, and I’m glad that the man who was equally responsible for its creation and livelihood has a chance at a happy life, while I raise this child by myself.” Taylor said to the camera, before her parents came to pick her up.
“It is this progress that helps me sleep at night,” Gumba said as a tear ran down his cheek.
High schools aren’t the only locations to hear the advice of Gumba and his organization. Last week, Gumba made a special appearance on Fox news. There, amidst a crowd of pregnant woman, he was praised by Bill O’Reilly and Megyn Kelly for his ongoing battle with Planned Parenthood.
Carrying a newborn baby in his hands, Gumba took the mic.
“Thank you all. I promise to all of you that every hospital will be full of newborn babies by the end of 2017. There will be so many babies; there has to be room for them, right? They are just so cute. Who wouldn’t want to be forced to have a child grow inside you for months of extreme pain and discomfort, along with a reduced ability to work and crippling debt? I surely wouldn’t, but I don’t have to make that choice thanks to Biology.”
With that, Gumba crowd surfed over a crowd of pregnant mothers, holding a baby.
Cameron Bain is a freshman writing major who thinks babies are gross. You can email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.