Natalia Kills retrospectively calls out Adam and Eve
Natalia Kills was overheard screaming at the Special Snowflake café earlier last week about something astonishing.
“This is ridiculous. You cannot tell me this is true. I am absolutely disgusted,” she said, looking around the café for confirmation. “Adam and Eve were the first to get married!? Are you kidding me? I am absolutely disgusted to be hearing about this right now.”
Witnesses claim that she ended up storming out of the café and running through the streets screaming that she and her husband were the ones that created Holy Matrimony and that Adam and Eve could not even fathom in their wildest dreams what a good marriage was.
Luckily, I was able to get a meeting with her to talk more about what she meant by this loud outcry in the café last week.
“Well, it’s preposterous that these people think that they invented marriage. It’s ridiculous,” Natalia said as she downed her second chai tea latte. “I mean look at this picture that Michelangelo painted of them on the Sistine Chapel!” She dramatically pulled her iPhone 6 out of her knockoff Prada bag to show me the evidence. “Look! They aren’t even attractive enough to be married.”
She proceeded to flip through all of the pictures in the gallery on her phone, giving me different examples of how she and Willy are far more attractive. One was a Pic Stitch of Natalia and Willy on Halloween a few years earlier. They were completely nude with only leaves covering their genitals, mirroring a picture of a painting of Adam and Eve in the same pose.
We left the Special Snowflake café and I walked with Natalia to her D-list house to speak with her husband about this matter a little more.
“What I just don’t understand is how much they copied us!” We sat at their kitchen table as she foamed at the mouth even thinking of the copycats that the first two people on Earth were. “They are just a laughing stock. It’s cheesy and it’s disgusting. They have no sense of originality!” She said this as she took an Instagram pic of her Starbucks cup while wearing last season’s Uggs. “I mean, just look at Adam, he completely stole my husband’s style.” She sighed dramatically, continuing: “Once I heard that they copied our look and called it ‘Renaissance,’ I nearly threw up. It’s embarrassing to think that Adam must have thought he looked good. He never will compare to my husband, Willy Moon.”
“I mean it’s just creepy!” I jumped out of my chair at the sudden voice behind me. I turned to look and there I saw Willy Moon completely nude with a leaf covering his nether region. Willy sauntered closer as he continued: “I feel like they couldn’t handle what comes with marriage which is why they ate the pear or whatever and got kicked out of Paradise. It’s just absurd.”
After an hour of Natalia saying the exact same things and Willy just looking at me unnervingly, they finally allowed me my freedom.
When I left their home, I came across a church that had a sign on the door. Written in very large letters was, “Natalia Kills is forbidden from the premesis.” That was enough for me to inquire why that sign needed to be posted.
I walked in and was introduced to the priest, Neil B. Formee. I asked him if he could tell me more about Natalia Kills and, before I could even finish my question, the priest shook his head and whispered a swear under his breath.
“This woman is blasphemous! She’s absolutely insane. Every Sunday when I stand up to do my sermon, she waltzes herself up to the pulpit with me and starts asking if those who are married know that she is the one who created marriage. ‘It’s Natalia and Willy,’ she says, ‘not Adam and Eve.’ I also caught her trying to hang one of her pictures in the hall, which I immediately threw away. It’s all kind of funny in an ironic way, but God help her, she needs to get herself checked out.”
Whether or not Natalia Kills and Willy Moon invented marriage is unclear, but this reporter can say one thing with certainty: leaves across the genitals will definitely not make a comeback anytime soon.
Kayleigh Jones is a sophomore speech-language pathology major who knows The Incredible Hulk is the only “green-eyed monster” she needs in her life. You can email her at email@example.com.