Unemployed graduate takes on role of Ithacat
ITHACA, NY – Since returning from winter break, Ithaca College students have made numerous sightings of what appeared to be a man living in various bushes around campus. Many students have been referring to the man as the famous Ithacat since the cat has not returned to campus for the 2014-15 year and people need something to be crazy about.
Little is known about the man, except that he might be a recent graduate who is probably looking to avoid the enormous debt brought upon him from Ithaca College.
Freshman Daniel Kustin, who had an encounter with the Ithacat-man, recalled he saw the man while leaving Towers. “I wasn’t sure what he was doing, but then I heard him meow,” said Kustin. “I just thought he was on something, to be honest.”
Authorities are aware of the problem, but are powerless. The Ithaca City Police Chief said, “Whenever we read him his rights and ask if he understands, he responds by purring, which in New York State courts does not equate to a verbal ‘yes’ response.”
After some searching, I found the man sleeping under a bush by Landon, wearing nothing but jorts and a scarf from the Salvation Army. I attempted to interview him:
“Can I ask you a few questions?”
I pressed on. “What is your name?”
“How long do you intend on keeping up this charade?”
“Are you trying to create a conversation over the increase in tuition at IC or is this a social commentary on the homelessness problem in Ithaca?”
“I’m trying to bring attention to how the president’s salary grossly exceeds any other administrative entity, especially that of faculty. They are the boots on the ground here and deserve proper compensation.”
I was taken aback by the man’s eloquent answer. “That was beautiful. Why don’t you speak like that instead of purring?”
My journalistic efforts for naught, I gave up. “Will you be here after Late Nite?”
The man was not available for comment after Late Nite. He was too busy being pet by some drunken students, who didn’t seem to notice he wasn’t the original Ithacat.
Michael Villani is a freshman television-radio major who’s ready to slap on some jorts and roll around in the mud. You can email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.