In celebration of the only man in North Korea over 150 pounds
Dear Comrades! In celebration of the88th anniversary of the Down-with- Imperialism Union (DIU), formed by
Righteous Ascended Leader Kim Il- sung and the 2014th year since Kim Il-sung created the world, we must give our attention and respect to our Benevolent Guide, Kim Jong-un. Peace be upon him!
Out of his many awe-inducing qualities, his refined figure is the first to greet the eyes. His soft, puffy skin shows the tender care he feels for all of his citizens. His childlike smile reflects his unending youth, having drunk from the fountain of immortality. His chin reflects how well-rounded he is, and his second chin shows how doubly prepared he is.
But these are mere surface details! His mind is truly the treasure of the nation. All his people swell with pride as we appreciate his impeccable ski resorts from afar. His clever tactics of disappearance and reappearance comfort the land, as if he is playing a fatherly game of peekaboo with his people. His keen eye for military might and strategy as we stand ever closer to war emboldens us all. Every week — no, every night, we close half the remaining distance to conquering our foes!
Perhaps his greatest quality of all is the mysterious, almost godlike essence he exudes. Indeed, he has an almost unnatural aura about him that simply makes the body shudder and quake. No, it’s not the fear of taken away from your family. It’s not the physical toll of malnutrition and squalor. It’s not the fear of being thrust into a war which will undoubtedly result in wholesale destruction and instability. It’s a supernatural air to him that inspires undying honor, respect, and comfort — comfort that, no matter what happens, Dear Leader will steer the country to glory.
Literary Recommendations from Dear Leader
- Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment – “Read it for the punishment.”
- George Orwell’s 1984 – “A masterful instruction manual.”
- Roland Lazenby’s The History of the Chicago Bulls – “Dad used to read it to me before bed.”
- James Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake – “Of course I read this. I did!”
- E. L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey – “Revel in the despicable, disgusting, and occasionally arousing filth the American pigs revel in!”
Honorable Leader’s Maxims to Live By
- An apple a week keeps the Western dogs weak.
- A bird in the hand is worth a month in the labor camp.
- Don’t count your chickens before they are taken for redistribution.
- You can judge a book by its cover. Do not question this.
- The bigger they are, the harder they fall in World War III.
Will Uhl is a sophomore journalism major who is seriously hoping he won’t wake up in a North Korean prison camp after this is published. Email him at [email protected]