Vegan’s Swear off all Food because Plants Breathe Too
A recent study has shown that a large influx of vegans have been eliminating all food from their diet in effort to keep plants alive. Buzzsaw met with strict vegan, 20 year-old Kaley Soy, a local Ithaca College student so she can tell us about the new and improved directions vegans are now taking and their methods in converting others to their selfless practices.
“Plants breathe too”, states Soy. “People are taking the life of another living organism and using it for their own personal enjoyment. You’re salad was gruesomely murdered by a man with a knife.”
These abrupt dietary changes were not easy according to Soy. “I had to empty my fridge of all my tofu and kale when I found out these products we call ‘food’ come from the ground.”
One item that has been up for debate is quinoa. While the majority believe that quinoa is considered a whole grain, it is actually a seed. Some vegans will continue to indulge in these kernels while others have added it to the foods to eliminate since seeds are the starting point to all plant life. Eating these seeds would hinder the birth of new life forms.
Vegans are trying to spread and inform others about their latest ways. They are trying to get as many people on board as possible so the message of animal and plant safety comes across efficiently. Soy tells us, “We are trying to adapt as many individuals to this new method starting with vegetarians. After all, they’re already halfway there!”
Small groups of vegan students have been walking around promoting their practices to other students by pointing out turkey sandwiches and beef breath so other students will have an easier time identifying where they’re going wrong. They have even invaded dining halls to bombard those eating anything from broccoli to pizza. They watch in disgust as students make their way over to the salad station or invest in meals from the Kosher kitchen. These vegans have even brought their ways into the commons as they began a protest outside vegetarian restaurant, Moosewood with their specialized salads topped with cheese and various fruits.
“Fruits are plant ovaries”, mentioned Soy. “Eating fruit is basically setting up plant life for extinction as humans indulge in their reproductive organs.” As one of the most popular restaurants in Ithaca, these new vegans found that if they can get their message across to Moosewood, then their practices will spread like wildfire.
Vegans have even started to plant vegetable gardens around campus, but for “looking only”. They want to illustrate to everyone the beauty of plant growth and survival. “The carrots are next to the tomatoes, living in harmony just like humans”, says Soy. “If other students see that plants are just like humans, then maybe less and less individuals will view these harmless vegetables as food.”
If anyone has any questions or wants to join this foodless cult, you can find Kaley Soy and her nutrient-deprived crew scattered around campus shamelessly advertising. If you have any difficulties finding one of them or feel shy or embarrassed to ask about their vegan status, don’t worry; the very first time you make eye contact with them, they will probably have an answer for all of your questions.
Emma Taubenfeld is a freshman art major who obtains her nutrients exclusively through sticking it to the man. Email her at email@example.com.