Genius prankster leaves laxative brownies for flyers
Delta Airlines employees were in a state of confusion during a Monday morning red-eye flight as rampant use of the plane’s restroom increased exponentially. Officer Bob Willis, a federal air marshal, was one of the first to investigate the issue. “I was sitting in a seat near the back of the plane, keeping an eye on things, when all of a sudden I heard concerning noises, which I gathered to be a threat to security, coming from the small restroom near my seat. Upon investigating the restroom, I only found an unfortunately lax passenger on the toilet, and I turned around to see that many of the other passengers had formed a line, and they all looked very uncomfortable, shifting their weight back and forth,” Willis, 42, said back on the ground at Newark Airport, New Jersey.
Johnny Waters, a young passenger, who appeared to be on his own “red-eye flight” was very confused as to what had happened aboard his flight. “I don’t know man, maybe it was something I ate. I had, like, four … no, five …. no, definitely four of those brownies that hot stewardess was bringing around. But it’s like, really weird that all of a sudden there were a whole bunch of us who just couldn’t stop shitting,” Waters, 19, said in a sedated tone. Newark security officials decided to investigate this shaky brownie lead, as they had nothing else to go by. They sent one of the brownies from the flight to a lab and found large amounts of the laxative Ex-Lax in it.
During the flight, a lone stewardess was handing out complimentary brownies to the passengers. When asked about the brownies, the stewardess, Julia Borden, explained that it is typically her coworker’s job to bake the brownies and prepare them for the passengers. “Usually Bill Schaefer, the steward I work with, brings the brownies to the flight, and we keep them in the back until it’s time to serve them,” Borden, 31, explained. “Although last night was kind of weird. Bill handed me a tray of brownies, said that he wouldn’t be going today as he didn’t feel well, and then left. It was all very strange. He seemed kind of shifty.” Security officers decided to check out the now empty tray once the flight landed. It was then that they found a note under the empty brownie platter that read simply, “Best wishes, SHATner,” in barely legible writing. Based on the information given, it was deduced that this must be the alias of Bill Schaefer, and the police were called to find him.
On Tuesday morning, police officers arrived at the airport and got Schaefer’s address from the plane’s record. Upon arriving at the address, the officers could smell a delicious, chocolatey scent emanating from the house. They gave the occupant a warning to open the door, and when there was no response, they used force to open the door. They stormed into the kitchen, the contents of which included a small oven and several empty boxes of Ex-Lax stacked in the corner. The police quickly apprehended Schaefer, who was pulling out a freshly baked tray of brownies while wearing a “Kiss the Cook” apron, and he was brought in for questioning. Schaefer hates his real name for some reason and preferred to be named by his alias SHATner when being addressed by questioning officers. When asked why he calls himself this, he responded, “Come on man, I make people shit. I made people have a crappy day on a crappy airline. I wanted a name that sounded cool and involved shit. I’m just not that creative.” It is believed at this point that the Ex-Lax epidemic was a metaphor for the quality of the airline. The situation is believed to be resolved, but the Transportation Security Administration asks that if you eat a brownie on any airline and experience uncontrollable bowel movements within six to 12 hours to report it immediately.
Alex Bingham is a freshman Health Sciences and Human Performance pre professional major who has seen that one episode of That 70’s Show one too many times. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.