Paula Deen makes a comeback with line of edibles
SAVANNAH, Georgia – Beloved resident and renowned butter-enthusiast, Paula Deen, is making an extremely questionable comeback in her gastronomic career. In upcoming months, Deen will be introducing her brand new organic line of marijuana edibles, Deen’s Dope Delights.
After speculative reports on her debatably racist views last year, Deen had gone incognito for quite a while. Recently, however, she has reportedly turned into a “ganja chef,” preparing weed-enlaced goodies exclusively for close friends and family. With eminently popular results, however, she has officially decided to start selling her sedative treats wherever she legally can.
Deen had ostensibly started seeing a psychiatrist after her inappropriately racy allegations were broadcast worldwide. Showing obvious signs of sadness and stress, her doctor, who has requested to remain anonymous, recommended medical marijuana to her, for soothing her nerves. Though he was unwilling to answer any of our questions for confidentiality reasons, we are led to believe that prescribing a medical marijuana license to Deen was appropriate for managing her perpetual gloom.
We were able to speak with a titillated fan, Layla Flowers, who had heard about Deen’s new creations early on. Flowers contacted Deen promptly, and Deen was so flattered she still had an admirer that she allowed Layla to taste her newly baked edibles before their official release. Buzzsaw reporters had substantial difficulty deciphering Layla’s outdated and free-spirited hippie lingo for feedback, but we were, however, able to make out that Deen’s new goodies are “far-out” and “mad dank.”
On a different note, Deen’s son, Bobby Deen, felt rather differently about her unique new line of products.
“Mama’s gone off the deep end,” Bobby told reporters. “I understand she was depressed about cutting ties with the Food Network, but I never thought she would turn to DRUGS.”
Other family members of Deen, however, are very excited about her life decision. 5-year-old grandson, Jack Deen, was thrilled about his grandmother’s new image and her new “vibes.”
“Granny has been extra silly lately, and she looks like she’s gonn’ pop! She just eats, and eats and eats!”
Paula was, in fact, recognizably cheerier from the last time we spoke to her. Upon walking into her Georgia home, wafts of marijuana and chocolate chips enticed the senses of Buzzsaw reporters. Deen was baking a batch of her “kooky cookies,” and her glazed-over blue eyes were wide, beaming in the Georgia sunlight.
“I didn’t see it coming, but yummy pot treats were the best creation I have yet to make,” Deen ogled. “It’s like a baby was born from my two passions: Mary-Jane and baking!”
Deen’s Dope Delights already include cookies, brownies, pies and truffles, but Deen speaks of plans for doing birthday and wedding cakes cakes. She is most excited, however, about creating her own line of her favorite food, THC-infused butter.
Deen’s Dope Delights will only be sold in select stores in favorable states where medical marijuana is legal. Products will only be sold to those 18 and up with a valid I.D. Over-consumption of the product may result in a lactose coma from obscene amounts of butter, obesity and perpetual laziness.
Lizzy Rosenberg is a junior integrated marketing and communications major who needs to fly over to Georgia for…stuff. Email her at [email protected]