Texas admits they don’t actually want to secede from the US
Last Friday, Texas senator John Cornyn admitted that all of the state’s previous attempts to secede from the Union were simply to get the attention of the rest of the United States of America. Ironically enough, this news coincided with the 53rd official online “Texas Secession” petition to receive the required 25,000 votes for government intervention.
At a press conference on Friday, Cornyn at first appeared well composed, despite the fact that roughly 30,000,000 adults across the United States have now signed away his right to US citizenship, including those living in neighboring southern states like Louisiana and Tennessee.
“As a member of this great state’s government, I stand before the rest of this country to say that we Texans are sorry for lying to you,” Cornyn said. “We have no intention of ever really seceding, we just wanted to make it seem like that in order for us to feel loved. We’re complicated.”
When asked by a reporter why the lone star state even bothers staying in a country that doesn’t even value “southern values,” Cornyn broke into tears at the microphone, followed by silence. He was eventually ushered out by fellow Texas senator Ted Cruz, who was also in tears shouting, “We don’t care, we don’t need this ****ing country anyway!”
In a recent poll, the majority of Americans seem to care very little about the fate of the state that gave birth to “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” killer Ed Gein.
“What has Texas ever done for us, other than nag, nag, nag?” one Pennsylvania resident said. “They should have seen the warning signs: All the bills and proposals we haven’t replied to, the time we didn’t invite them to the Salt Lake City Olympics. It was practically written all over our face that we were done with their nonsense.”
Last night, various Texan government officials were said to have been seen drinking together at a local pub. When things turned rowdy after the bartender refused to let them sing that Avril Lavigne song for karaoke night, senators and representatives of the house broke to the streets and took to their Twitter accounts for vengeance.
“tbh we dont even care anymore, were way better than u stuck up yankees and well kick ur a$$ any day,” one tweet read. “TEXAS PRIDE hmu Oklahoma” read another.
It is not clear what plans the White House has for dealing with the awkward situation between the US and Texas, as President Obama was off on another search for the Malaysian plane crash victims when asked to comment. Vice President Joe Biden was, as always, able to comment, however, saying there are still benefits to reap from remaining aloof.
“We could always barter with them for large quantities of sweet tea, or moonshine,” Biden said, forgetting to note that his words were off the record. “Or maybe we could even get them to deport Ted Nugent. The possibilities are endless.”
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Tylor Colby is a sophomore writing major who was looking forward to having a bullet as a stamp in his passport. Email him at tcolby1[at]ithaca.edu.