It had been weeks since I had come out of the closet and I was excited to fulfill my role in life, forever assaulting American family-values. It’s a time every gay American longs for, the day they receive their “gay liberal agenda” from the Committee to Undermine Morals (CUM).
I had been checking the mailbox every day, eager to play my part in the destruction of the family, as we know it. I wanted to travel the world and infuse my perverse way of life (which, obviously, was a choice) into foreign cultures. After weeks of waiting, my time had come.
I reached into the mailbox, pulling out a thick envelope covered in rainbows, portraits of Cher and, of course, various depictions of Satan (who, in case you didn’t know, reigns supreme over “the gays.”)
At this point I was sweating. For weeks, my part in the destruction of all that was good in the world had been a mere glimmer in the distance, but today my journey would begin.
I couldn’t control the shake in my hand as I pulled my instructions out of the envelope. When I read it, I nearly keeled over and died of happiness. I was going to be deployed to Vatican City, a coveted position for any warrior of the “gay liberal agenda.” Clearly, the people at CUM must have thought I had some great potential, because I was gifted with the task of spreading our agenda to the Catholic Church itself.
After a tearful goodbye with my mother, I was driven to the airport where I was met by CUM’s president, known to the public as Rosie O’Donnell, who escorted me to my private jet and began to give me my briefing.
“This won’t be an easy task, young gay Jedi,” she began. “There’s a man by the name of Pope Benedict, and he’s standing in the way of our plan for total destruction. Your job is to get him out.”
As our plane took off, Rosie began to outline my mission more in depth. I was to use my mind-control abilities (a power bestowed on all homosexuals) to corrupt Benedict’s innocent mind and convince him to resign.
To gain access, I would request that the pope heal me of my gay affliction. After I had done my work, CUM would enstate a new pope who would go on to destroy the moral fabric of the Catholic Church for years to come. Only then, would we reign supreme.
It wasn’t an easy task, but I passed with flying colors. I was let into the Vatican with no problem, of course they were eager to save me from my sin. I used my ungodly abilities to convince Benedict to step down and the rest is history.
The end is near, America. Now that we have the Catholic Church, media and Democratic Party on our side, resistance is futile.
A new world order fast approaches.
Timothy Bidon is a senior journalism major who can say all of this because his boyfriend is gay. Email him at [email protected].