Cornell alum petitions for more divide between the schools
Apparently, to some Cornell alumni, separation by hills just isn’t enough anymore. Cornell alum Brandon St. Clair, ’72, has given upwards of $2 billion in hopes of creating a wall between East and South hills, further separating Cornell University and Ithaca College’s campuses.
St. Clair, who comes from a long lineage of Cornell graduates, complains that confusion between the campuses is preventing him from getting the respect he deserves.
“An Ithaca College graduate interviewed for a position at my investment bank, St. Clair and Associates, and he tried to…relate to me. I refuse to let my Ivy League education be compared to such an average institution. Any school that lets students graduate with a degree in television should be embarrassed, quite frankly.”
Opinions on East Hill are split; for example, Cornell polo coach Brad McSnoot believes the separation has been a long time coming. “Once, while shopping for a new pair of boat shoes, I got lost and ended up on their campus. I was there for about 20 minutes and did not see a single pair of salmon shorts! My IQ went down 10 points that day.”
However, Collegetown business owners are passionately protesting this movement. Vito Salsano, owner of popular pizza joint The Nines, claims this wall would be a detriment to his business. “Ithaca College students can’t perform simple math equations as quickly as Cornell students, so they purchase endless pizza and beer and can’t calculate the calories. When IC students decide to make the trek to Collegetown, I make more money in one night than I do after a week of just Cornell students!”
Surprisingly, IC students seem pretty unfazed by the segregation. Niles Green, Cinema and Photography senior and president of on-campus pro-marijuana organization Legal-IC-e It, claims that it will not harsh his mellow. “I’m all about fighting the man, man, but let’s all just chill out,” Green insists. “I don’t even know what a ‘Cornell’ is, man. Could you pass me the lighter?”
Regardless, construction may begin as early as spring of 2015. City officials, such as Parks and Recreation director Leona Knarpe, find the proposition slightly disturbing, but cannot turn down such a profitable opportunity.
“It’s no mystery that we’re in a time of economic turmoil, and Mr. St. Clair’s generous donation makes the creation of the wall an obvious choice,” Knarpe explained. “Plus, it can increase tourism in the region- it will be like the Berlin Wall, except instead of representing equality, it will represent oppression and division.”
This is not St. Clair’s first attempt to separate the campuses. In 2004, he proposed changing the name of South Hill’s territory to IthaCan’t.
“Yeah, I’m proud to have gone to a little place called Cornell,” St. Clair proclaims, “you ever heard of it?”
Fran Toscano is a senior IMC major who thinks any school that lets students major in booze should be embarrassed. Unless they give her some. Email her at ftoscan1[at]ithaca.edu