Shocking new policy invades local businesses
Ithaca is a haven for environmentally-focused individuals, but a new invention is forcing Ithacans to question where to draw the line. A new warning system called the ShopperShocker that shocks people when they enter stores without reusable bags is creating an uprising in the city. The technology scans the bodies of shoppers as they enter local stores and can detect the shape of reusable bags on the individuals. If the sensor cannot distinguish a bag on the person, they are shocked, resulting in a sensation similar to an electric dog fence. It boasts a 75 percent effectiveness rate and a .001 percent mortality rate.
Although it is claimed to be almost completely safe, those with any heart problems should consult their doctors before shopping in Ithaca ever again. Inventor Bob Verde was unavailable for comment, as the exact location of his yert in the woods is unknown. However, friends close to the source say he would probably be too high to comment anyway. Many local shoppers are infuriated by the recent implementation of the ShopperShocker.
“This is fucking ridiculous,” local Chris Stewart laments. “I’ve started composting, bicycling, and even stopped shaving to assimilate into this weird-ass place, and now I’m going to get shocked if I leave my reusable bag home? Fuck this, man.” Similarly, Cornell senior Jennifer Adams is unpleased with the movement. “I, like, just wanted to pick up some juices because I’m cleansing again, and then I got shocked. I had just, like, gotten my hair blown out before tonight’s Kappa Delta Gamma formal. I’m suing Wegmans for the cost of a hair appointment. I, like, can’t even.”
Storeowners are also citing decreased commerce at their storefronts as a side affect of the movement. “This is seriously affecting my business,” said Nancy Natura, a local thrift shop owner. “People approach my door, notice that I have ShopperShocker installed, and run away in fear. The only people that come in here anymore are sexually repressed woman who like the vibrations.”
However, not all residents are unsupportive of the movement; many are celebrating the dramatic shift to a greener lifestyle. For example, GreenStar Cooperative employee Sonny Moonbeam is thrilled about the development. “Yeah, I totally dig this new system,” she said. “It’s about fighting the man and the patriarchy. And the gender binary. And legalizing it. Right now it’s just remembering your 100 percent hemp bag, and next thing you know the entire world will be sharing kale chips and passing around a bong.” Whether or not the public unanimously agrees in the technology, more and more storefronts are being forced to install the ShopperShocker. When asked for a final comment, Adams said, “I’m dead. I’m dying. I can’t.”
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Fran Toscano is a senior IMC major who will kill for eco-friendly policy. Literally. Email her at ftoscan1[at]ithaca.edu.