Rich kids finally able to overcome society’s oppressions
Move over swine flu, small pox and polio, there is a new disease spreading across America, and it is more sickening than anything ever previously witnessed. Twenty doctors have fainted when diagnosing the disease. Two have thrown up, and one exploded.
Affluenza has spread at uncontrollable speed across the nation, infecting any child born into a family earning $200,000 or more. More than 1 percent of the children nationwide have been diagnosed with the disease, with no cure in sight, and the numbers rapidly growing.
The symptoms of the ailment are simply horrifying. When infected with affluenza, a child can literally do no wrong. Every game the child plays he automatically wins, any competition is a breeze, and physical feats such as figure skating, marathons or thumb wars are no match for any competitor. In essence, money is now winning competitions.
This may sound ideal to some, but we must consider the infected as the victims instead of the opposite. Spoiled children around the nation will no longer experience the struggles of bullies, the agony of a blue shell at the end of a “Mario Kart” race, or the embarrassment of striking out in t-ball. These children are literally perfect, making all the coolest and best friends, getting into the best relationships, throwing the best parties. We must throw our deepest sympathies.
Affluenza has affected every pastime including baseball. Children with the disease have started joining teams, even as young as toddlers. Money has taken over the sports we know and love. One prospective player at the age of 6 was recently given a 47-year contract worth 300 million each year. The New York Yankees are receiving praise for adding many diseased children to their team and supporting the “little guys.” They have gone an incredible 161-1 this season with their new cast of players.
Since the spread of the sickness began, leadership across the nation has become highly commercialized. The race for the presidency of the United States has become a race to buy as many advertisements and raise as much campaign money as possible to become the richest. No longer can butchers, gas station cashiers or blacksmiths try and apply for the job to lead the nation. Now it is only rich politicians or wealthy businessman investing in oil that are getting the nod.
What is the solution to this dilemma? Money. The more we can contribute to Save the Rich Children campaign, the more likely we can find a cure and help our nation’s rich kids live poorer lives. Every coin helps. Dollars of course work even better. If you had a child diagnosed with affluenza, would you really want them to live a perfect life? Make sure they don’t have to. Contribute today at richkidsdeservetolosesometimes.org.
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Chris Thomas is a sophomore TV-R major who will gladly take anyone’s money to alleviate affluenza symptoms. Email him at cthomas5[at]ithaca.edu.