God descends from Heaven to confirm Kanye West as second coming
Confusion, happiness, exalted praise, and jubilant rapping erupted across the world after the creator of heaven and Earth, God, descended from the clouds of Heaven and declared popular rap sensation Kanye West the new messiah and second coming of Christ.
Yeezus Christ (formerly Kanye West) interrupted God’s booming voice from the sky during the middle of the speech, just as he did to young pop sensation, Taylor Swift at the 2009 VMAs, saying things like “Yo, God, I know you’re the creator of heaven and Earth and all, and I’m really happy for you, and I’m gonna let you finish, but I am the greatest coming of our savior of all time. OF ALL TIME!”
After the initial proclamation of his holiness, Yeezus then announced the new 11th and 12th commandments, which are: “Thou shalt buy my latest self-titled album, Yeezus,” and “All paparazzi shall immediately be smote.”
Pope Francis has been unavailable for comment, but it has been reported that he was seen in a Target near the Vatican dressed in a black hooded sweatshirt and shaded sunglasses, picking up several of West’s albums and posters of our new Messiah.
“I told you all already, Kanye is a God,” Creator of Heaven and Earth, God, said. “Well, he’s part of me. Father son, other son and Holy Spirit. It’s all right there on the album. Ever hear the track ‘I Am A God (Feat. God)’? Yeah I was actually featured on the track. It was me. For some reason nobody listened […] He and Jesus are really close. JC and the boys (the apostles) actually helped record that track.”
Yeezus Christ is reportedly in the process of finding his own apostles.
“I want it to be more exclusive than what Jesus had. I don’t want to be too ostentatious having a huge crew following me around. Maybe like two or three of my homies and then Kim and North.” Kris Jenner has reportedly been trying to worm her way into apostleship.
“I just feel like I deserve it,” Jenner said. “I’ve been so close with Kanye for such a long time. I’d almost go as far as to call us best friends.”
“Nah,” Yeezus responded when asked for comment on Jenner’s proclamation.
While it is still unclear why a popular rap artist was chosen by God to be the next messiah, rap enthusiasts are reveling in the reveal. The Church of Yeezus Christ of Modern Day Homies is currently in the process of building their first official chapel at the Kardashian’s third summer home.
Caitlin Vetere is a sophomore TVR major who is waiting for Kanye’s next Christmas album “Merry Me-mas, Bitchez.” Email her at cvetere1[at]ithaca.edu.