To my fellow molders of the human mind,
There comes a moment in every student’s life where their school year is full of both math and health education homework. They begin to learn advanced concepts relating to the world of algebra and sex alike that can cause much confusion and intrigue. And at this time, they are left vulnerable to corruption through music television, the twitter, and raunchy shows on Adult Swim.
This is why I, Harold McGraw III and a senior math professor at P.S 118, intend to put an end to the immaturity regarding the number, “69”, and it’s association with the perverse sex act known as “69ing.” From now on, all McGraw-Hill textbooks will space the number 6 and the number 9 three spaces apart from each other, thereby ruining the illusion of simultaneous cunnilingus. “6 9” will be written in all textbooks where the situation is appropriate, and we encourage all other textbooks publications to follow suit.
Now as a practicing fundamental conservative, I have never partaken in the act. After all, god put our mouths above our necks for a reason. So I don’t understand how the number “6 9” possibly looks like two people mouth kissing one another’s genitals. I am a man of protractors, rulers, and reason. I get my sweet missionary from Mrs. McGraw III every Tuesday night at 9:00 right before “The Mindy Project” at 9:30. And I am content.
I grew up in an era when education wasn’t up for debate. Teachers never held in class discussions. They held lectures. They had tests, quizzes, and exams where you’d study the textbook, memorize the facts, and spit them back onto the paper. If you did well, you’d get a gold star. If you did poorly, you’d wear a dunce cap for everyone to ridicule you and throw fruit. Professors held the law of the land. And textbooks stated the laws.
In our contemporary society, we glorify the ignorant and the morally defiled. Any child with a video camera can be an instant Youtube sensation, and any teenage mother can be glorified on television. I believe that this decline in morality directly correlates with the decline in textbooks assigned to a classroom. Rather than enforcing textbook reading and textbook assignments, teachers are now gung ho about “creative alternatives.” So instead of learning about the structures of our DNA, a 7th grade biology class will be encouraged to make their own DNA out of pipe cleaners and glue. To quote my wedding vows, “I don’t believe in arts and crafts. I believe in rules and facts.”
As Al Gore once said, “Children won’t be children in the future. We should teach them. Then they’ll lead us later on.” As an educator, administrator, and scholar, I take Gore’s teachings to heart. This is why I believe it is crucial to terminate the “6 9,” joke that poisons the minds of students. We must sever the association between sexuality and math in order to ensure that our children and our children’s children take math education, school, and all McGraw-Hill textbooks seriously.
Harold McGraw III
Jared Corwin is a junior TVR major who wouldn’t stop giggling while he wrote this article. Email him at jcorwin1[at]ithaca[dot]edu