Gingrich heads to moon to enter election, finds nothing but lunar liberals
At a press release in October, Newt Gingrich announced he would be campaigning to become the moon’s 86th president. However, this story was not found in most major newspapers because no one took Newt seriously, despite his comments months earlier about colonizing the moon. Just a few days later, on the advice of his new campaign manager Giorgio Tsoukalos, an expert on the History Channel show “Ancient Aliens,” Gingrich actually left for the moon.
He survived the 240,000 mile journey through space, where temperatures can reach 300 degrees below zero, due to the massive stores of hot air and fat in and around his head. When he arrived on the moon and saw that it had already been colonized (and not by those pesky Soviets as he had imagined), he realized he had to change his rallying cry.
The people of the moon have tie-dye colored skin, with men sporting long, flowing beards. Both lunar men and women have unkempt hair and typically don’t wear shoes. Lunar people speak in a foreign language that is oddly peppered with the “surfer talk” dialogue of southern California. The main export of the moon’s one nation is cheese, and immigrants from Venus make up a large percent of the population.
At the time Newt arrived on the moon, a Lunar presidential election was taking place similar to our own. Two other native Lunar candidates were already in an intense, nearly dead-heat race. Determined to turn the moon into a more militarized and conservative place, Newt immediately joined the presidential race. Along with his old platform, Newt began spreading his ideas about colonizing Mars. His platform was not popular with the lunar people because they only recently signed a peace agreement with the Martians. Despite the close numbers, the two native lunar candidates remained close friends, and were often spotted walking around the capital holding hands. Newt was particularly unpopular with Lunar women, who have two uteri and are therefore twice as pro-choice. Newt promptly withdrew from the Lunar election and returned to Earth after his campaign manager simply told him, “Aliens!”
He and his new wife, the only conservative woman on the moon, will be heading back to space in 2020 to run as a team for president and vice-president of Venus.
Miranda Materazzo is a a freshman journalism major who voted Nader. Email her at mmatera1[at]ithaca[at]edu.