Until his 21st birthday, Ithaca College senior Lance Jackson had never experienced any kind of alcohol besides cheap, college party beer. Now that he is finally welcome in the bar scene without the worry of a fake ID, he made the drastic life decision to choose a drink with a little more class.
He went the bar alone, his agenda set. He would go for the best. He made his way clumsily to the bar, his awkward nod to the bartender barely acknowledged. Finally, after waiting a few minutes, he ordered.
“I’ll have a scotch.”
Little did he know, his life would never be the same.
With the first sip, Jackson knew something had changed. Jackson described the scotch as “a smooth and delicious entrance into a world of finer things.” Jackson began the journey into a classier life.
“The first thing I noticed was my immediate repulsion towards my outfit. I was just wearing jeans and a Fuck Cortland shirt, but I suddenly hated myself for putting it on that morning,” Jackson said.
The transformation did not stop there. As time went on, he became increasingly classier, shedding his unrefined ways for a more elegant approach to life. Friends say he even traded in his beloved lacrosse jerseys for what he calls “smart wool blazers.” His teammates barely recognize him with his new lifestyle choices. They say he is getting really into polo now.
Jackson’s mustache seemed to grow before his eyes as he explained how his life had changed.
“I spend a lot more time picking out my outfits,” he claimed, crossing his khaki clad legs, his crisp polo shirt reeking of refinement. “And I’ve definitely noticed a difference in the company I keep. I like dressing like Patrick Bates from American Psycho, but without all the brutal murders.”
His life quickly became an episode of Mad Men, leaving frat parties behind him. Jackson now lives in a world of three-piece suits, caviar and jazz music.
Jackson’s friends and family all seemed confused by the sudden change that has overcome him. His mother reacted wildly, claiming he was “on drugs” and “not himself,” but his best friend Chad Erikson, noted that wasn’t the case.
“Lance’s mind isn’t on drugs, it’s the scotch he keeps drinking. He thinks he has to act fancy in order to drink it, and this is the result. As soon as I saw that he started following Scott Disick on Twitter I knew there was no going back. He thinks he’s high-class now.”
Although he’s been criticized by his peers for riding his new purebred horse to class and legally changing his name to “Sir Lancelot Jackson,” Jackson remains unfazed by it all. He’s signing up for a wine tasting class and hopes it will be the next step in climbing the ladder of fine luxury beverages.
Sarah diGiovanna is a sophomore journalism major who always keeps her pinky up. Reach her at [email protected].