Hey guys! Adit Balaji here, just checking in with you all from sunny Nepal. The Himalayas are beautiful this time of year, I gotta tell you. Crops are coming in great, and the yaks’ melodic grunting echoes through the valleys like music. It’s just beautiful, really.
But anyway, how are you guys? I heard some stuff was going on in Libya or Syria or—that whole area, huh? What a bummer. Still using those “gun” things on each other, I see. Thought you would’ve learned—no, it’s cool, it’s cool. And the Sudan? You sorted that out already, right? No?
Holy Cow (literally!). Have you guys actually seen the Sudan? You said that would never happen again.
Maybe you guys should check out Nepal sometime. We’re doing pretty great in my opinion. I mean, we meditate a bunch, which is super relaxing. Then there’s the laser vision, and that’s pretty nifty.
Oh, you guys don’t have laser vision? Weird. Maybe you should turn off What Not To Wear sometime and focus on actually doing something productive besides stuffing more barbeque chips in your fat fleshy faces.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. It’s just, you know, we’ve all been able to levitate since ’06. No, not 2006. 1806. A few years after we became a nation. And I get it, you guys have been stressed and all since the recession thing. Just last week I was so busy harvesting a rainbow for its renewable energy that I missed my son’s first steps across water. Times are tough, and these things happen. But seriously guys, have you even been paying attention to the Palestinians recently? Come on. You westerners are acting like — excuse my language here, but I’ve got to make my point — like total jerk-faces.
Alright, that language was uncalled for. It just gets me so heated that you’re still dealing with slavery and starvation, while just last week my buddy Lok created enough bread to feed his village for a week just by touching his toes together and humming. And Lok’s never seen a single episode of What Not To Wear. Do you get where I’m coming from here?
Whatever. We’ll just be over here, in Nepal, levitating among the yaks, totally worry-free, until we die of natural causes at an average age of 406. Not to brag, but we’ve had our shit figured out for a while here, bros. Maybe it’s time you got the fuck on board.
Sarah Kasulke is a senior TV-R major who is going to grad school in Nepal for underwater breathing. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org