Image by Zachary Anderson
The World’s top leaders were called into an emergency meeting early last week to assess an issue that has become a matter of global concern: Dane Cook’s existence. The potential harm of Cook’s continued time on Earth was elevated from unfunny nuisance to international threat after bombing during his performance at the United Nations early last month.
President Barack Obama made a public apology for the performer almost instantly. “I cannot express how sorry I am that this rabid hyena is an American citizen,” he said. “The best thing to come out of this is unity. I have never seen so many leaders working so closely and with such determination towards a common goal.”
Even the Chinese government agreed that listening to Dane Cook scream nonsensical punch lines into the mic was an agonizing experience and admitted to using Cook’s stand up routines to torture prisoners. “It’s like getting pepper sprayed in the brain,: commented Bao Li, a student and government protestor.
The alarming amount of negative feedback about Dane Cook and his decidedly insufferable comedy has lead many to believe that his eradication is the only solution.
For a short period of time, it was suspected that Cook was sent by the Al-Qaeda as an undercover terrorist attack on America. However, shortly after this theory hit headlines, Al-Qaeda posted a video on their YouTube account, explicitly stating that under no circumstances would the terrorist organization ever stoop so low as to have Dane Cook associated with them. They then proceeded to demonstrate several possible methods of execution for the ‘comedian’ including vaporizing him, have him be the guest victim for this years Shark Week or cutting out his larynx and subjecting him to a world-wide roast.
Syrian President Bashar al Assad added the following, “This kind of camaraderie, this may very well be the first steps towards world peace.”
It appears that the search for a peaceful coexistence may be rooted in the absence of the self-proclaimed funny man. According to the head of Culture and Communications at Columbia University, Mary Parnell, the cross culture benefits are evident.
“Black, white, Muslim, Christian- no one finds him funny,” said Parnell.
Local Ithaca College student and International Business Major Tom Bretton stated, “I’ve always hated the guy. Knowing that the rest of the world does too definitely gives me a great talking point while networking.”
Not everyone is as turned off by Cook’s career however. Eric Parker, a student at Loyola University and Delta Beta Phi member, spoke out to defend Mr. Cook. “A lot of people don’t get Dane Cook’s humor. You have to be drunk to appreciate it. Like….black out drunk,” he said. “Some of his best bits are the ones I can’t remember.”
The movement to force Dane Cook out of the civilized world has become an effort in favor of world peace and unity. British Prime Minister David Cameron stated “Saying things loudly doesn’t make you a comedian. It just makes you obnoxious.”. He later added “and that pickle joke? Are you fucking kidding me?”
Upon hearing the news, Cook’s agent tried to stress that his client is not just an unfunny comedian but a mediocre actor at best as well. When a French official was asked to share his opinion on Dane Cook as an actor in the film Employee of the Month, he vomited.
To show your support for world peace visit www.cookingupworldpeace.com and pledge to rocket Dane Cook into deep space for the sake of global unity.