Image by Daniel Sitts
Sources have reported that American archaeologist, Adam Cain, has discovered the lost Garden of Eden within the compost piles of the Lâches des Mamelons nudist colony in Monaco.
Cain, who teaches archaeology and kitchen economics at Devry University, said he was originally in the French Riviera to study the “historical attributes” of the area and its nudist colonies.
“I had been staying at the Lâches des Mamelons for over three months, trying to uncover the deeper story behind this magical place,” Cain said. “The area is known for, as the French say, ‘melonis grandis,’ so I believed this would the best place to look for, you know, ‘artifacts.’”
Cain had reportedly been looking through the compost piles when he made this revolutionary discovery. An onlooker, Beatrice LaBout, recalled the event.
“I was sitting on the beach, trying to ignore the hairy American connard staring at my body,” LaBout said. “He was picking through our compost, doing hell knows what, when all of a sudden he started prancing like some monsieur who had drunk a little too much absinthe. Naturally I called the police.”
Since yesterday’s discovery, archaeologists, religious pilgrims, and nudists from around the world have travelled to the Garden and confirmed that it looks much like how it is described in the Bible, filled with “grasses, grapes, milk, and fine, fine hunnies.”
Sources have also noted, however, that the Garden has accumulated massive overgrowth of palms and leaves, “so many grapes that many are stepped upon,” as Cain has noted, that and a mass of biodegradable feminine hygiene products that have found their way from the compost pile into the promised land.
Efforts from the French government have already been made to tame Eden, with forestry groups already starting to cut pack some of the overgrowth and Riviera winemakers who are harvesting the grapes to make fine Cabernet Sauvignon.
Ownership of the Garden has also been in dispute with the owner of Lâches des Mamelons, Pierre LaFrançais, Sandals Resorts Inc. and various golf club owners in Southern France arguing over how the area should be marketed.
“I’ve owned this land for twenty five years,” LaFrançais said. “It’s my land, and I should own it, religious consequences be damned.”
“We thought this would be the best place to put our ‘Adam and Eve’ –themed resort,” a Sandal Rep noted in a press release. “We plan to construct a heart-shaped hot tub around the tree of knowledge. It’s going to be very saucy.”
Religious partrons believe the Garden should not be sold off at all, but set aside as a holy land. Members of the Catholic church and other Christian denominations have already started a mass pilgrimage to Eden stating that, “Easter Mass this year is going to be epic – like it’s gonna blow Moses’ parting of the Red Sea out of the water.”
To keep with the Biblical nature of the garden, some patrons (specifically the elderly) have reportedly modified their dress code – or rather, lack there of. Upon seeing that many of the older monks and nuns have let it loose and gone nude, the original nudist colony has actually flocked away from their old colony. The French government is considering drafting a mandate to ban nudity in the garden as “obscene.”
“It‘sawful,” LaBout said. “They’re all wrinkly and that’s not something people want to see, especially in the nude.”
Among the Christianity, mass consumerism, and nudity, a group of Rastafarians have also settled in the Garden to look for signs of the plant their denomination holds as sacred.
Joe Green, a Rastafarian from Hoboken, NJ, cut his visit short in Amsterdam in order to plant some “herbal enhancement” within the Garden. Green said the presence of marijuana in the Garden would perhaps lead to the total legalization – and de-stigmatization – of the plant.
“Me and my classmates at Princeton (Community College) understand Christianity is based around certain base principles,” Green said. “Discovering weed would change those base principles of Christianity towards a pro-herb stance. One love.”
Despite all that has gone on in the past 18 hours, one thing’s for sure – Cain’s discovery has brought him worldwide fame. He has already sold book and movie rights, will be appearing on next season’s Dancing with the Stars and has been offered a position as the head of the Archaeology department at the University of Phoenix’s online program.
“I’ve always thought that the internet is the best tool for archaeologists,” Cain said. “All the shovels, brushes, and Rosetta Stones in the world can’t replace Mozilla Firefox.”
Patrick Feeney is a sophomore cinema and photography major who plans on showing up to the promise land in his best birthday suit. Email him at [email protected]