by Georgie Morley
Calling all witches and wizards! Are you currently searching for immortality? Can’t seem to find that pesky Sorcerer’s Stone? Sick and tired of viciously preying on unicorns and sucking their blood to survive? Well, never fear friends: at long last, there is hope for an afterlife aside from the grave: Horcruxes! A Horcrux is a simple household item bewitched to include a sliver of your soul. Don’t worry, they’re kept cozy in waterproof, inflammable environments. So long as your Horcrux is kept safe and sound, your search for immortality is unnecessary — YOU won’t (or rather, can’t) die!
But why pay the big bucks at Borgin and Burkes or on the black magic market when you can simply make a Horcrux yourself? For the first and ONLY time, we present this exclusive guide to creating your very own Horcruxes that you won’t find anywhere else in print (you know ‘cause it’s dark magic and all). All you need is to follow these seven magical steps to ensure your immortality. After all, who ever said YOU can’t live forever?
STEP 1: Find the most obscure artifact you own that still bears personal meaning.
We suggest family heirlooms including rings, vases, and underpants.
STEP 2: Find a human being that you hate, your family hates, the world hates, or that just looks funny.
Self-explanatory, but bear in mind that the individual in question won’t be around for much longer…so choose wisely.
STEP 3: Drop subtle hints to the public of your planned attack. Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, whatever floats your boat. The human being in question needs to somehow be alerted of your intentions.
STEP 4: Bring your handy-dandy “obscure artifact” with you, corner aforementioned human being, and murder them.
Be sure to wear some sort of “evil” costume (complete with a wand) during this step — it makes aforementioned human being even more vulnerable.
STEP 5: Allow a portion of your soul to seep freely out of your chest and drop it into the “obscure artifact” after the deed is done.
Treat it like Microsoft Clip Art. Use your wand to guide your soul — which should appear shortly after the murder as an oozy, silver liquid.
STEP 6: Hide the “obscure artifact” in a safe, secure haven that bears personal meaning.
To enhance the security of your Horcrux. We suggest booby-traps, secret passageways and sock drawers.
STEP 7: Laugh an evil laugh and tweet about your success!
WARNING: Side effects include headache, nausea, bad breath, and nose deformities. Keep Horcruxes clear of Fiendfyre, basilisk venom and other impenetrable magic sources. Ensure that no other living being is near as Horcrux is being formed. Medically recommended to not possess more than three Horcruxes at any given point in life. Horcruxes is a trademark of the “PotterEverAfter Corp.” Buzzsaw Magazine is not liable to disasters brought upon by this product.
Mia O’Brien is a freshman journalism major who is stuck on Step 2… any takers? Email her at mobrien5[at]ithaca.edu.