Coffee chain sets standard for future business proposals
We are all trying to be moral citizens, trying to escape the sometimes seemingly inevitable immoral reactions that lie deep within all of our minds. It’s a scary place out there. Thankfully, there is one model of unity that rests high above for all of us to see and imitate – one that is clearly better than all others and is a standard whose guidance we should all follow: Starbucks.
Ground zero conjures a lot of images. I can’t imagine a more appropriate one than roasted coffee debris gulped down by “Starbucks squatters.” Most people would agree. After all, Starbucks is more apple pie than apple pie itself. It’s the heart of America – right next to the coronary artery it stuffs with the new Trenta-sized caramel Frappuccino that flaunts 700 calories (four Twinkies can’t even boast that).
For those of you joining us for the first time, I invite you to step out from under that rock and see what exactly is going on in the Big Apple: America’s beloved coffee confederate has added another shop to its current list of thousands, one located only two blocks from the symbolic site of the former World Trade Center. Only now, for your, and Bloomberg’s convenience, can you purchase a Twin Towers souvenir and espresso in just two minutes! Sounds exhilarating, if you ask me.
Other buildings that are attempting to build in that two-block radius aren’t having as much luck. The cleverly media-named “Ground Zero Mosque” – which is conveniently not a mosque at all, nor residing at Ground Zero – is passing through numerous local and global hurdles by attempting to join the neighborhood. Whether or not these criticisms are warranted, there is a logical solution: start acting like a Starbucks. Starbucks is acting like Starbucks and was readily accepted into the community. The most loyal fans will even make the coffee crusade five times a day to receive that warm and fuzzy feeling they get from slurping down another divine drink.
This kind of devotion and faithfulness could be customary for the new building after adopting Starbucks attire. Why not use Starbucks’ universally recognized symbol as a ploy to get the proposal passed? Slap a green circle with a mermaid queen on the new building blueprints, and the plans will go through swimmingly. Logical as it may seem, no one has gotten back to me on my suggestion. Weird, huh?
Zachary Briggs is a freshman IMC major who is really more of a tea kind of guy. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org