TSA Agent goes too far
Jonathan McNally, 3 and three-quarters, known affectionately as “J-Mac”, felt criminalized last Tuesday after a Newark Airport Transportation Security Administration agent took away his Justin Bieber sippy cup while boarding a plane to his second home in Aspen.
“I liked sippy cup,” J-Mac stifled out between hiccuping sobs.
J-Mac was in such a fit that his mother, Martha McNally, has filed a lawsuit against Homeland Security. Martha found time between her pedicure and acupuncture appointments to comment on the issue.
“It’s absolutely disgraceful they would do this to my J-Mac. After missing his third birthday, I spent $300 dollars on that coveted Bieber memorabilia. The other mothers in my country club, if not the county, will be appalled that the TSA would purposely ruin my child’s life. He’s in serious emotional distress. He even started biting his fingernails.”
Barry Holmes, the TSA agent who confiscated the cup, has been temporarily suspended until the situation has diffused. We found him on the couch at his home in Garfield, New Jersey with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s half-baked ice cream watching Airplane!.
“Of course I confiscated the damn cup – it’s in the job description. I even bought the kid a replacement Hannah Montana bottle, but his mother complained it was ‘so 2008.’ And sure, I could have just told him to empty out the liquid, but there’s something’s not right about that Bieber kid. His hair is too perfect. And his creepy stare, shit it looks right through me.”
Homeland Security officials have found themselves scrambling to avoid further prosecution and press coverage.
Ted Hayes, head security officer at Newark Airport stated, “Not to belittle J-Mac’s ‘life or death situation’, but TSA has a lot more to worry about like the welfare of our country. Plus, we have clear and identifiable warning signs about our regulations. With pictures.”
Martha retorted accordingly, “of course I saw the signs, I’m no idiot. But our situation was clearly different. The sippy cup had a top on it for Christ’s sake. I know how the rules work. Homeland Security is just jealous they can’t afford an autographed Justin Bieber sippy cup.”
Hayes failed to comment, but sources close to him say that they saw him escaping the scene with a suspiciously sippy cup-shaped package, heading to his niece’s bat mitzvah.
“It’s just ridiculous they could treat me this way. Being the philanthropist I am, Homeland Security should know that I am no terrorist.”
Martha’s philanthropic contributions include attending two PTA meetings and a homeless benefit at Fashion Week. She also purchased a Livestrong bracelet in May 2004.
Justin Bieber refused to comment, but sources close to him say he was like, “Baby, baby, baby, ooh.”
Francesca Toscano is a sophomore IMC major who has the same cup, but with T-Swift. Email her at ftoscan1[at]ithaca.edu