By Samantha Towle
Last Friday, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates announced the government’s plans to introduce military recruitment centers to the world of Blizzard Entertainment’s immensely successful online role-playing game World of Warcraft. Military recruitment officers are hoping that this new tactic will convince the players of this mystical fighting game to take their love for combat to the real world and stop “wasting the thousands of dollars their parents paid for their college education when all they do is sit in their rooms and play that stupid game.”
As of Dec. 31, 2010, approximately 1.47 million citizens were active members of the United States military, according to the Statistical Information Analysis Division of the Department of Defense. This number is dwarfed in comparison to the 11.5 million Americans who spend day after day playing WoW on their computers. These astounding numbers have convinced many U.S. officials that tapping into this virtual resource is the way to go.
Of course, the transition from virtual warfare to fighting in the “physical realm” will take some time and special training. U.S. officials are currently working with Billy Greugen, a 28-year-old WoW player fluent in both “l33t” and the cryptic language of “WoWspeak.”
“There are a couple key concepts that h4xors need to understand before they shift from pwning n00bs in WoWscape to going AFK and engaging in actual human quests,” Greugen said in an interview. “For instance, IRL, it is not acceptable to decide to play as a ‘character’ on the side of the enemy because ‘they have cooler races and better guilds.’”
Arguably the most troubling problem that has appeared in the real life beta tests of this program has been the WoW players’ misconception about the use of magic in battle; specifically, the fact that it does not actually exist. There have been countless occasions in which, upon receiving an injury in battle, former WoW players have run in circles shouting, “Heals! I need heals!” before either being lured back to the base with a Mountain Dew or being killed by confused and disturbed enemy soldiers.
Despite these drawbacks, there are many adamant supporters of this new program, specifically Sarah Palin. This feared and powerful WoW player is best known for repeatedly publicizing her love for the game’s “rogue” class.
“I had no problem switching from playing World of Warcraft to dealing with n00bs in the reality server,” Palin insisted. “Many of the same concepts still apply, you know. When I was sick of my Alaskan governor character, I simply went rogue and engaged stealth mode until my new successful author character had leveled up enough to take on dps with America.” At this point in the interview, Sarah Palin excused herself to go pwn a moose in order to loot its corpse for gold and gear.
The military has also implemented many new terms into everyday military speech.
“Instead of Commander in Chief, President Obama will be referred to as Guildmaster Obama,” Gates declared in a press release regarding the new recruitment program. “When wearing night vision goggles, many can now refer to themselves as “Night Elves,” and instead of being promoted to a general, soldiers will receive a certificate ensuring that they are now a member of the hero class. All other members of the military will from thenceforth refer to that hero as a ‘Sir Death Knight.’ And finally, if desired, terrorists may also be called ‘terr-orc-ists.’”
When asked for his opinion on the new program, Guildmaster Obama said, “This is a new major content patch for America, but once we work through the interface changes and bug fixes, I am confident that America will once again return to the epic l33t h4xor that it was before the Bush expansion pack.”
Samantha Towle is a freshman cinema and photography major who refused to pwn n00bs for Guildmaster Bush but might reconsider for Guildmaster Obama. E-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org.