Cites Effort to Make All Games “Actually Competitive and Interesting”
By Merdina Ljekperic
NBA Commissioner David Stern announced Thursday night that the league has decided to immediately cut all unnecessary teams, compiling the leagues’ superstars on just five remaining squads. Teams were selected to remain active based on a criteria of recent success, number of current “superstar” players on the team, current popularity and potential fan base.
The removal of 25 teams leaves the NBA comprised of the Los Angeles Lakers, Boston Celtics, Miami Heat, San Antonio Spurs and, to the shock of the general public not including New York (which New Yorkers are not yet aware of), the New York Knicks.
“It’s not like anyone will notice,” said Mitch Nelson, the NBA’s head of Public Relations, alluding to the excess of games involving LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, and Boston Celtics that grace the airwaves on network and cable TV. “It’ll be the same exact television schedule.”
Stern also added the Cleveland Cavaliers to the list, before being reminded that LeBron left, rendering the team useless and unmarketable.
“I bet you didn’t know I had a sense of humor,“ said Stern when asked why he chose to keep the New York Knicks. “Plus, I like Italians. And [New York Knicks owner] James Dolan gave me a little incentive. And Spike Lee threatened me.“
Stern said the year-round All-Star team now in place in Miami inspired owners and general managers to rid themselves of scrappy players, white players, and all forwards in general. The new system will combine all of the league’s greatest, cockiest, not-as-funny-as-they-think-they-are stars, making every game like the All-Star game – “the pinnacle of basketball prowess,” as Stern put it.
“Zone defense? Three-pointers? Teamwork? Who are you, Dick Vitale? Go watch the college game,” said Miami General Manager Pat Riley. “People don’t want to see that. They just want to see a bunch of seven-foot men play keep away with each other.”
In addition to forcing overgrown boys who hate each other to cooperate with one another, the new system will shorten the season, leaving the superstars time to work on their rap careers.
The majority of the league’s players are now jobless, and although they knew the change was inevitable, many are now left not knowing what to do. Ron Artest’s psychiatrist did not respond to requests for a comment.
“It’s my own fault,” Phoenix Suns point guard Steve Nash said. ”Too many assists. No one likes assists.“
Nash, having received no expression of interest from any remaining teams due to his inability to dunk, has returned to his native Canada, where he has since picked up professional dog sledding, while other players have found other options. Other players such as Manu Ginobli are looking to the WNBA for
Stern also announced that, in addition, the Sixth Man of the Year award, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th Man of the Year Awards will also be created “so no one feels left out.”
“Best thing I’ve ever heard,” said Queens native Joey O’Connell. “I was so sick and tired of believing the Magic would ever actually achieve anything worthwhile “
Recent national polls show that many hope this will be the crucial first step in ridding Cleveland of all professional sports teams, leaving the city in a better mental and emotional state.