By Sarah Parker
March 26, 2010: Best friend who moved away in fifth grade visited this weekend. She brought her new best friend. New friend annoyed shit out of me all weekend. Shouldn’t have volunteered to drive at night. Fuck being a good hostess. All it gets you is a pool of vomit in your trunk.
Night started out normally. Ended up in sketchy barn owned by kid I barely know. Yes, I do mean barn, not bar. Normal night in my town. Became involved in conversation with only other semi-sober person present. Realized everyone I went there with was gone. Soon found them. Annoying girl friend brought was rolling around in hay. Took three of us to get her out. Next time I saw her was approximately one hour later in backseat of Jeep. Now also covered in hay.
Don’t know how we found out about it or where it was, but ended up at another party full of kids I didn’t know. Annoying girl stayed in car, apparently. When I came back she was in my trunk. Whatever. Rather have hay in trunk than backseat. Everyone was hungry. Drove to 7-11. Bad idea. Came outside to see vomit everywhere. All over parking lot. So gross.
Trunk door was open with half her body hanging out. Annoying girl covered in her own barf. Police in parking lot at time. Pushed annoying girl back in trunk and shut door. She rolled around wiping vomit covering her body all over my carpeted trunk.
Slept at Abby’s. Thus, had to leave car festering over night. Smelled so horrible in morning. Drove home quickly with all windows open. Put on best sad face, but mom refused to help clean. Was like, really mom, what the hell? Guess she didn’t care; not her car. Just threw out everything with puke on it; called it a day. Worst idea ever. It will smell like sloppy bitch barf forever.
June 10, 2010: Met new German foreign exchange student today. She threw up in backseat of mom’s new car. Apparently Germans are not better drinkers than us. Liquidy white chunks of vomit spewing from her mouth for a consistent twenty seconds. Had seen friends giving her drinks, beer and liquor alike. Didn’t realize how much. She was average height for a girl of 15, rather skinny. I accurately judged her body size due to her tight jeans and see-through shirt. We didn’t talk at all and I went home.
James called me at 2:30 a.m. Had been sleeping for a couple hours so was able to drive and get them.
German girl got into car, again, without asking. She sat between boys. Boys began to yell at sight of her vomit. Because of yelling, did not realize she was throwing up until all barf was deposited into pocket behind driver’s seat.
Mother did not know I took German girl home. She drove to work next morning, car full of vomit. Warm outside, air conditioning broken. Somehow, she did not notice until on way home. More surprisingly, she was not angry and cleaned it herself this time. Usually hate mom’s need to clean, but she wins “Best Mom Award” for cleaning mysterious German vomit before I even woke up.
Sarah Parker is a freshman journalism major who can’t DD tonight. E-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org.