By Noah Burd 
Local dead-end supermarket employee and self-styled rock star Dom Bidlow announced Thursday that he would be taking that same Dom Bidlow to court on charges of malpractice.
“I was a hard worker before this man decided to drastically alter both of our lives with his foolish prescriptions,” Bidlow said while pointing to himself at an impassioned press conference just outside his residence in his mother’s basement. “I was going places, but I placed my trust somewhere I shouldn’t have. I trusted myself when I decided I should take the Adderall. I believed myself when I told myself that my friend Jack’s OxyContin would probably be ‘pretty fuckin’ sweet.”
In suing himself, Bidlow has everything to gain and everything to lose.
“All I want myself to do is admit to my crime,” he said. “I want me to admit that I am powerless over my addictions and that only a power higher than myself can restore me to my sanity.”
Bidlow said the medical treatment has taken a financial toll as well as a physical one on his life, noting that he owes Jack “a shit-ton” for the OxyContin. Accordingly, he added that, “I’m also suing the bastard for everything I’ve got,” which he conceded was “somewhere around 80 bucks.”
“I’ve become a slave to the self-medication industry,” he said. “I tried to quit, but something kept bugging me whenever I was sad or lonely or bored or curious. I didn’t know you could get addicted to something if your instincts told you it was okay.”
While Bidlow has levied great claims against himself, Bidlow did not seem too concerned about the lawsuit being brought against him. Bidlow took the opportunity to defend himself later that day in his own press conference outside his office in his mother’s garage.
“As per my legal and ethical obligations,” he said. “I informed Mr. Bidlow that the drugs were all in the experimental stage. I came to me seeking my judgment. I was totally depressed. I needed something. After careful self-analysis, I decided that the regimen of weed and alcohol wasn’t enough. I recommended seeing if I could get barbiturates from my friend Winston, or maybe Vicodin or some shit, I don’t know, Winston’s usually pretty good about shit like that. I did this in order to help me escape from the stress of my life through the relaxation of altered states, suppress my troubled upbringing and probable homosexuality, and make me just plain cooler.”
Martha Rigly, from the Center for Self-Medical Malpractice Reform believes that the problem regarding self-medication malpractice lawsuits is that of responsibility.
“Self-medicators usually see an ad for some sort of substance on TV, often in the form of edited-for-TBS showings of Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle or Blow,” she said. “They ask themselves if it’s a good idea. Nine times out of ten, they decide it is, even if they don’t know what they’re getting themselves into.”
Rigly believes these confusingly edited plots need to accurately depict the possible risks in order to ensure that the patient understands the medication they are requesting.
“These abridged films are supporting this sort of self-self-medicating that is preventing self-medicators from doing their job,” she said. “Self-self-medicators often imagine that they have conditions they don’t actually have, and this is a problem because it gets in the way of the real imaginary conditions that self-medicators know they have. Not to mention the recent string of malpractice lawsuits, which has made self-medicators hesitant to stray far from the will of their patients.”
The Bidlow case may set precedents for individuals suing themselves for their own socially taboo habits. Several self-molestation cases and slander cases resulting from self-deprecation are expected to reach trial if this lawsuit goes in Plaintiff Bidlow’s favor.
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Noah Burd is a freshman writing major who is self-medicating himself some Adderall for finals week. E-mail him at [email protected].