NASA Officials Bummed, Say It Would Have Been “Sick Nasty To See Shit on Mars” in Person
By Liz Kloczkowski
NASA officials announced yesterday the cancellation of their plans to send a shuttle to Mars following the U.S. government’s refusal to offer funding for the project. The government simply said NASA isn’t quite ready to make the leap.
NASA scientists and researchers have not been at a loss for words to express their disappointment. Some have commented on what a “bummer” it is that they can’t send up their “really cool” rovers to explore the red sands of Mars.
“I was bummed out when they told us the government wasn’t gonna lend us any money for our project,” NASA administrator Charles Bolden said. “It’s a huge loss for the scientific community, and in fact, the world. It’s a damn shame, for sure.”
Officials came to an agreement that they were all “grumpy” that it wasn’t going to work out.
“Those government morons are a bunch of zipperheads,” scientist John C. Mather added.
“Yeah, what a group of punks who don’t want to share all of the cash they get from taxes,” NASA microbiologist Bob Jones said. “We spent all of ours, like, ten years ago.”
“It was gonna be ridic! We had plans for some sweet rockets we’ve been dying to launch,” Mather said. “We have these cool rover droids, and we were all super psyched to race them across the red sands and shit.”
Apparently, the rocket NASA scientists were planning to build was called “Marzie,” and had some “pretty sweet” features. The designs resemble a B-Wing fighter from Star Wars, and even the robotic pilot was planned to have a round, white and blue head and little mechanical arms that plug into the rocket.
“Mars rocks are über cool,” added astronaut Clayton Anderson. “Man, it would’ve been sweet to beast on some Martian noobs once we got our wicked sweet rockets into the atmosphere. We were planning on upgrading our laser missiles to level 27!”
“It would have been sick nasty to see some shit on Mars up close,” he said after the announcement yesterday.
NASA scientists say they’re now going to have to come up with some other “fly shit” to work on.
Liz Kloczkowski is a freshman journalism major who thinks it would be totally nice to go drag racing on Mars. E-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org.