By Liz Kloczkowski
Members of a quiet family in Kennesaw, Ga., are stunned by Friday’s discovery of their dog’s underground stash of unsavory items in the backyard of their once-honorable residence.
According to local authorities, the Goode family dog, Snoopy, has allegedly been pilfering disturbing objects from his owners’ home. They came across his stash when their neighbor, Barry Thompkins, was spying over their fence and noticed the dog obsessively digging at a spot in their backyard. Thompkins quickly notified Jim Goode, 53, the family’s quiet and modest father.
The family was horrified to discover the dog had taken items from all seven family members at the residence, including their Grandma Mary, who also lives with them, and Ginger, the family cat.
“Mom, what is this?” said second-oldest son Mark, 19, after he pulled out a love letter addressed to her. He admits to reading part of the letter out loud.
“You are an amazing kisser,” he read. “You looked beautiful last night, Evelyn. I love every little thing about you. Your sexy smile, the sound of your voice, and the magic in your eyes.”
The family found another letter in Snoopy’s hole: love letters to their dad, from the same man.
“I love your gentle touch and the warmth I feel at your side,” it said. “I love dreaming about you. You looked amazing last night. And the sex was great.”
The children of Jim and Evelyn were too horrified by other things in the hole to give much thought to the discovery of their parents’ extramarital affairs.
“Was Snoopy going through the bathroom trash again? I’m telling you, that dog needs to be kept outside,” 20-year-old daughter Katelyn said as she scrambled to hide a used pregnancy test.
“What the hell is this?” questioned Jimmy Junior, their 24-year-old son who recently moved back home, after he pulled out an ancient-looking pornographic video. “Hey look, it’s Grandma!”
Evidently, their Grandma Mary went under the pseudonym “Norma Stitz” from an early-1970s porn movie, The Adventures of Norma Stitz and Ben Dover. Grandma was conveniently asleep in her wheelchair at the discovery, and is still in complete denial as to the identity of the large-chested porn star.
Evelyn, Mary’s daughter, was especially disturbed to learn the porn was filmed while she was already a young child.
“This is some fucked up shit. I’m outta here,” said Jimmy Junior, as he subtly stuffed a box of extra small condoms in his pocket.
The last item unearthed in Snoopy’s hole is being investigated further by the local authorities: an illegal narcotic, catnip, seeming to be in Ginger’s (the family cat’s) possession. Ginger has been missing since Friday, the day of the discovery.
Though the Goodes are deeply troubled by these findings, they can at least thank Snoopy for bringing them to light. Family members are each addressing the issues Snoopy uncovered.
Evelyn and Jim are currently going to marriage counseling, Katelyn is going to a Planned Parenthood meeting, and Jimmy Junior is going to counseling to battle his depression. Snoopy has enlisted in the canine section of the FBI. Grandma still denies the porn allegations.
Liz Kloczkowski is a freshman journalism major who has nothing to hide … E-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org.