Drama between area band, Electric Vagina
By Harrison Flatua
Dude, where have you guys been? We were supposed to have practice an hour ago. Like, this is the third time this has happened. Greg, you never told me you had work. How am I supposed to schedule practice if you guys don’t tell me these things? What about you, Steve? Oh, so you knew that Greg had work? And you decided not to tell me? I did call you–like three times. You still could have come over and we could have practiced. It’s like you’re not interested in the band anymore.
What do you mean our name sucks? But we decided on Electric Vagina. Don’t you remember? We said it was a comment on today’s crass commercialization and factory-made idea of sexuality. We can’t just up and change the band name. No, I agree the Bacon Initiative is a good name, but we’ve already established ourselves as Electric Vagina. I mean, we have T shirts. What are we supposed to do? Cross out Electric Vagina with a sharpie and put in the Bacon Initiative?
Dude, we don’t suck. You’re just rationalizing because our gigs haven’t gone well. No. That doesn’t mean we suck, it just wasn’t the right crowd. Every band starts at small gigs. So what if it’s the coffee shop? Those people weren’t there to see us. They just wanted coffee. As soon as we get a gig where people actually want to see us, then it’ll go much better.
The band’s gonna make it. You know we’re so much better than all the crap that’s out there today. As soon as we get a good gig, then we’ll get an agent, then we’ll get a record deal, and then the world will be rocked by Electric Vagina. We’re gonna be huge guys. We’re gonna have groupies and a cereal and a Saturday morning cartoon. People are going to go nuts for us.
Can’t you picture it? We’re on stage at Madison Square Garden and the place is packed. Everyone is screaming for us to come on stage. Suddenly, the lights go out and we come on stage while fireworks are exploding left and right. Then the lasers go on. We’ll have them sync up with the music–green for vocals, red for guitar, and blue for drums. Then Greg starts on the drums for “Feeling Buddhist.” The girls in the front row are flashing us. Steve starts slow on his guitar building up the tempo. Then I start on the vocals and everyone just looses it. The concert keeps going and it’s insane. People are crowd surfing and stage diving. When we start playing “Thumbtack Stapler,” everyone will start jumping to the beat. It’ll be awesome.
After the show will be even better. We’ll stick around and sign autographs for a few hours and then we’ll go back to our hotel with a ton of groupies and drugs. Well clearly we have to start doing drugs. Haven’t you seen any Behind the Music? Every successful band does a ton of drugs. I don’t know where to get anything. I just assumed people would give them to us.
Look, we’ve already wasted enough time on this. Let’s get started on practicing. I think we should start on “Cryptozoology, inc.” first. I don’t think we have a handle on that song yet. I thought I explained it to you guys. This song is an experimental piece about the nature of our distrust of the supernatural. I know it’s not normally what we do, but I think we need something to show our range.
Guys, trust me. The band’s gonna make it. Soon everyone won’t be able to stop talking about Electric Vagina.
Harrison Flatau is a senior writing major. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.