By Harrison Flatau
Whether you’re a freshman or an about-to-graduate-senior, it’s always good to listen to the advice of others. With that in mind, here is my, Harrison Flatau’s, guide to surviving college in 2008.
Do not buy any of the books. If you have to read or study from a book, get it from the library or borrow it from a friend. If you must buy a book, don’t write in it. This depreciates the value of the book when returning it.
Since you don’t have any books, you might be wondering how to participate in class. The answer lies in what’s called the “personal anecdote.” So when your professor asks about the political allegory in Animal Farm, relate a story about how you were on a farm and you saw a vicious pig that reminded you of Napoleon and that it makes sense for Orwell to have used pigs.
First, learn the 14-point-font-period trick. The periods are so small that they are not noticeable to the naked eye. Most word processors and text editors will allow you to select all the periods in your document and change the size to 14.
Second, use metaphors, similes and allegories. If you can say something in another way to prove your point, do it. In other words, if you can lengthen your paper by approaching your subject from a different angle, do so. A paper is like a ruler, the longer it is the more you can measure with it.
When you are capable of buying beer for yourself on a consistent basis, Keystone Light is no longer acceptable to purchase. Move on. Keystone Light is for freshmen and sophomores who must rely on a friend-of-a-friend for alcohol purposes. Pabst Blue Ribbon is a cheap alternative (though you may be pegged as a hipster for drinking it), as is Miller High Life. If money is tight and you can’t buy as much beer as you’d like to, buy a six-pack. This might not seem like a lot of beer, but if you drink it quickly (within an hour), you’ll be just as fucked up as on 10-15 beers over the course of a night. Another option: 40s. Most 40s are only $3-$4 and you can put the bottle in a brown paper bag like cool people.
Dining Hall Food
There’s a reason why chicken is served so much at the dining halls–it’s hard to mess up. It’s questionable as to what a chicken-only diet does to a person, but on the bright side, it’s not that slab of London broil sitting under a heat lamp.
Don’t steal food from the dining hall. Stealing food from the dining hall is kind of like pirating a bad movie. (Look, a simile. I blatantly said, “Don’t steal food from the dining hall.” There wasn’t a need for the second sentence.) We’re all aware dining hall food is not on the level of a French Bistro, but taking that food home is a whole new ball game. The ball game, if you’re wondering, is the stomach flu.
Going to Parties
There are a few options on how to get to a party:
1. Walk. Pros: No need to spend money on a cab. Cons: Ostracization from peers. Also, hills.
2. Take a cab. Pros: A safe way to get to a party. Cons: Cabs are expensive.
3. Drive. Pros: No need to deal with a shady cab/cab driver. Cons: Finding a designated driver or trusting someone to drive drunk. [Editors’ note: Buzzsaw does not condone drunk driving.]
Don’t, then complain about it for all of the next day. Repeat until the weekend.
Dealing with Illness
Going to the Health Center isn’t necessary if you know how to take care of yourself. Imagine if you could just fall asleep and wake up perfectly healthy. If you think this is a fairy tale, you’re wrong. Ny-Quil, my favorite drug, is a wonderful elixir. You can pick it up at convenience stores everywhere.
Getting a Girlfriend/Boyfriend
In just four easy steps, you can get a significant other.
1. Go to a party (see above for how to get there).
2. Get drunk.
4. Change your facebook relationship status.
Drugs besides cigarettes and alcohol (pot)
Do you have any?
Harrison Flatau is a senior writing major. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.