Sawdust

We are three days into the SAC-D (Steroid Anonymous Chairman Decathlon) and the race is heating up. With current chairman, Mark McGwire retiring in July, Lance Armstrong has taken a lead over current second place racer Barry Bonds in an event designed to decide who gets the top spot of Chairman of the Steroid Anonymous. Alex Rodriguez and Ryan Braun are in third and forth respectively. Armstrong pulled ahead during the 30 mile Bike Race, an event Armstrong scoffed off as “child’s play.” The notorious biker finished the race in 36 minutes.

Yesterday’s “Diabetes Run for the Cure” charity run was marred for many by the competitiveness of one participant. Greg Sanders, a local history teacher arrived to the starting line, located in Ithaca’s scenic Cass Park, a full hour early. He then proceeded to warm up for 40 minutes, eat a Gatorade fuel gel, listen to “Eye of the Tiger” on his Zune Player four times, eat another Gatorade fuel gel and yell, “Whose house is this?!” to no one in particular.

Against the advice of his crack team of legal advisors, Donald Trump has announced that he will continue his campaign to become the next President of the United States. Trump said that despite an unsuccessful bid against President Barack Obama in 2012, he still refuses to concede defeat.

Buzzsaw asks why I haven’t put IC in my will yet?

Just a few days after the 2013 New Year celebration, Snuggles saw a report on the news about a busted dog fighting ring much like the one he used to be a part of. Suddenly flushed with memories of his old life, Snuggles became ashamed of his mink dog carrier and diamond-encrusted collar.

What began as an innocent Twitter feud has turned into all-out media warfare as the subjects of two beloved mockumentary shows continue to trash talk their respective counterpart.

The American Bobsled Association (ABA) is into its fifteenth week of lockout, and still nothing has happened to try and bring back the sport. Seriously. Nothing has happened.

Have you ever walked home from campus after 11pm on a weeknight?

If you have, you know there’s a change that takes place. The winds shift and there’s a light layer of fog on the ground. That’s when you know that they have awoken from their daytime slumber, ready to terrorize the students of South Hill like the bloodthirsty gang they are.

I don’t give a shit if you got 10 hours of sleep. I don’t give a shit if you got one hour of sleep. Shut that greasy hole in your face that you call a mouth.

A lot of people been coming up to me recently saying, “J, you’re 43 years old, you got a beautiful wife and a gorgeous baby girl and you’re one of the richest dudes I know. No way you still got 99 problems.”