Valentine’s Day F.A.Q.
“Ask Andrew Tate” is a column that spearheads the explicit topic of sex, despite frantic pleas from the editors. Reader discretion is advised.
Welcome to my Valentine’s Day themed advice column! My name is Andrew Tate, the president/provost/generalissimo of Hustlers University. I would like to thank Murad, my corrections officer, for allowing me to publish this. He screens everything I write from my cell, so I had to tiptoe around some P.C. nonsense to get this approved.
Students of Ithaca College., I call upon you to awaken to the reality of the world around us. Seek the truth, reject comfortable lies, and take the based red pill. You can begin by understanding that your bloated administration has convinced you that $3,215 a month is perfectly normal for higher education. At Hustlers University, you pay a $50 one-time fee*.
*not including post-graduate DLC.
You were just handed a golden opportunity. Are you going to pass it up? At the end of this article, I have attached a mail-in application to secure your seat among the freshman class of Hustle-Wolves (our proud mascot). Now, let’s get into some of these questions you have for the Guru of Love—me. You can get more tips by attending the 101 lectures of Hustlers University, “Intro to Manospheric Perspectives,” or “Greek Letter Sexuality.”
- “How do you define love?” -Ambiguous in Chicago
I am going to blow your little soy-boy head off its shoulders. Are you ready?
Love isn’t something you “feel.”
This myth was found in a recently unearthed tomb of Old Wives Tales, between the chapters on waiting an hour after eating before swimming and cracking your knuckles causing lupus. Therefore, love is a quantity and can be calculated by the following equation:
- “I don’t know how to meet women. Help!” -Lonesome in Memphis
Did you know the average life expectancy is 77 years? That is too little time to be wasted asking females out. This is time you could spend exercising, fishing, or buying lottery tickets. Instead, manipulate the very fabric of their world. Follow my instructions very carefully:
- Purchase a coffee shop in the city and discreetly turn it into your house. Place a bed under the counter, a sofa by the display window, family photos on the wall, etc.
- Sell coffee. It naturally follows that females will show up order drinks, and sit at the tables.
- Occasionally stop by her table and ask how her drinks are and if they need refills, straws, etc. A brief conversation.
They don’t know it, but they are ALREADY on a date with you. In fact, she is already in your bedroom. Cha-ching! Now you have dozens of women visiting your house daily AND a steady income. You are indeed a god amongst men while she is just Plato’s prisoner of the cave.
III. “I keep asking women out, but they’re not interested.” -Forlorn in Albuquerque
Dear Laughably Stupid & Presumably Buck-Toothed,
Let me tell you a ludicrous story. I used to be a sub-8 beta male pretty-boy cuck like you. Hard to believe, huh? On a spring break trip to St. Petersburg, FL, my friends and I stopped at a Malaysian food truck. At the front of the line was this drop-dead gorgeous female. She was the full package—boobs…
I had to take my shot. So, I make some silly wordplay about the apam balik giving me malaise. Because it’s Malaysian cuisine. And Malaysia sounds like malaise. I forget how I structured the joke—you had to be there—but it was funny. Then, out of left field, this Zac Efron dude-bro swoops in and repeats the same joke. Like, verbatim. And then she doubles over in laughter! She picked this thick-wristed Chad, leaving me in the rain as a cold, wet, wrist-mogged loser.
That man did me a favor. I have a poster of him on the ceiling above my bed. He showed me what I was missing.
If you lack physique, you can always make up for it in confidence. You need to convince her that you can protect her. Follow my instructions very carefully:
- Camp out by the house of the last female who rejected you.
- When Chuck Schumer stops by to seize her gas stove, which should be any day now, jump out of the bush and fight back. Hook punches, roundhouse kicks, choke slams…
- Try to keep the female off you. Which will be hard to do after impressing her with your resounding confidence.
I hope this F.A.Q. inspired you to enroll in our fall semester at Hustlers University. Next month, I’ll be answering some unimportant questions about my personal life (in a court of law). Remember, everyone, females are property and long-term relationships are scams by the Bosnian elites!
Jacob Orloff is a fourth-year cinema and photography major who is on his way to Romania to free his love. You can reach him at [email protected].