Late Thursday evening, Bert L. Ood of the vampiric community was discovered dead, again, by his roommates. In his undead state of living, Ood was not only color blind, particularly to shades of red, but also had a fatal food allergy to red dye number 4. Lying next to his finally decomposing body was an empty bottle of Strawberry Goya, a drink containing the lethal allergen.
“Yep. This is probably what did him in. No surprise there,” Detective Ben Munch said in a press release.
Being a vampire does not fix the rods and cones in your eyes or the acne scars or any other deformities you’ve had since before your death, leading vampire doctors said. Whether you are color blind, or suffer from chronic hemorrhoids, becoming a Nosferatu does not solve your bodily ailments.
Mr. Ood often put blood in bottles, and his roommates took the label off and fooled him. They were quoted saying that they were unaware of their friend’s food allergy.
“We only thought that he would throw up or something. We thought it would be like slipping him Epicac,” said Tom, whose name has been replaced because he wanted to remain anonymous. “It was all Gary’s idea. He wanted to pull the prank in the first place.”
When interviewed about his roommate’s untimely second death, “Oh, him? Yeah I hated the prick. Why? Oh. “Tom” said that? Yeah it was my idea but he was the one who thought to make it goya soda. I wanted to shit in his drink. He doesn’t have taste anymore, but it would’ve been awesome to see his face when we told him he ate our shit. Too bad “Tom” thought it was a bad idea and just made things worse.”
Gary further explained that the animosity he felt was due in large part to the fact that they had been caught unaware of what to expect when they let Bert sign the lease with them.
“I thought he was just going to be like us,” he said. “Pale. Skinny. Weird. Stayed up late. Slept in late. But what we didn’t know were the powers that vampires had. All the contemporary vampires distracted us. We forgot that Dracula only had to look into a girl’s eyes. How the hell am I supposed to compete with the powers of darkness when I’m trying to sleep with the hottie in the red dress?”
“I never had a problem with him. I swear,” Tom said. “I swear I had no idea he was allergic to it. I thought he loved goya!”
Many vampires have some form of severe allergic reaction. Most commonly, it’s garlic, sunlight, dust or pollen.
“It’s a common self-defense tactic to consume loads of vampiric allergens in the hopes of synthesizing the chemical or just making sure it’s in your blood,” says Lisa Fortier, the vampire-huntress who killed Blackula. She was also the first to pioneer this method, and suggests it to normal humans in areas with high vampire populations.
Since this knowledge became public, Goya sodas have flown off the shelves. The townspeople are currently unaware that this was a very specific case, but the stores don’t mind being able to mark the soda up.
Andrew Lindsay is a sophomore writing major who still thinks Goya soda usually leads to quality practical jokes. E-mail him at [email protected].