Scientists stunned at discovery
By Tim Lebel
The scientific community was astounded by groundbreaking discoveries resulting from the recent Apollo 8 mission. For years, the consensus has been that the moon’s mass consists chiefly of Swiss cheese, with scattered deposits of Gouda. This theory is attributed to the landmark essay put forth by renowned physicist Luis W. Alvarez in the 1945 edition of Physics Journal.
“The moon began as an amorphous globule of milk floating through the galaxy approximately 120 million years ago…Approximately 80 million years ago, it came under the influence of the Earth’s gravity and began orbiting our planet, over the next 70 million years ‘churning’ it, much as butter is churned by hand…Streptococcus thermophilus, Lactobacillus, and Propionibacter shermani bacteria attached themselves to the forming mass of cheese, likely by way of asteroids…Propionibacter shermani consumed the lactic acid excreted by the other bacteria and released carbon dioxide gas, forming the bubbles we now see as holes in the moon’s surface…”
Alvarez’s study was widely revered in the scientific community, due to the fact that it explained the appearance of the moon in a plausible way. However, astronaut Frank Borman says his theory is nothing more than a guide to home cheese-making. He issued the following statement yesterday:
“We saw the surface of the moon, we all saw it. It was definitely not cheese, it was gray and dusty. Like a big rock or something. Not cheese.”
Though scientists initially attributed reports of grayish color to “cheese mold,” release of photos by NASA confirmed the astronaut’s assertion. As a result most of the scientific community is left scratching their heads in disbelief.
“Alvarez’s model was perfectly aligned with discoveries we had made, and even in some cases, guided us toward making new ones” said chemist Ron Kingsley, Ph.D., “…none of us saw this coming.”
“It’s definitely going to change the way we think, not only about the moon, but the composition of other celestial bodies as well.” Oswald Jacobson, Ph.D., told our reporters yesterday.Some experts, however, refuse to believe that their theory of the moon’s surface is incorrect. “It’s absurd to discard Alvarez’s theory based on such flimsy evidence.” says physicist Dr. Alfred Stone. “If the moon’s surface looks like it is ‘definitely not cheese,’ as Frank so eloquently put it, that does not mean the theory is incorrect. Did they land on the moon? Did they try to eat a part of the surface? No. These pictures and eyewitness accounts do not prove anything about the moon.” Dr. Stone went on to assert that Frank Borman should let the experts handle the scientific end of things and “stick with doing the grunt work.”
Such sharp-tongued divisiveness and disparage in the scientific community is unprecedented in modern times. The Daily American decided to interview a dairy product expert, Jacob Dalton of Dalton Dairy in Little Rock, Arkansas. He offered his thoughts on the subject:
“I think it’s absurd, really. It is my opinion that the moon is all cheese. I mean, we live in the Milky Way, right? Cheese is made of milk. I would know, I’m a dairy man.”
Perhaps the direst consequence of the discovery is the effect it will have on future NASA missions. Sarah Donaldson, a chief spokesperson for NASA, explained the new challenges faced at a press conference Wednesday:
“The most worrysome issue is that we planned to pack less, in the case of a landing mission, assuming the astronauts could harvest the Moon Cheese and consume it as part of their diet…We must now go back to the drawing board for future Apollo missions, to account for launching the rocket with Velveeta already on board.”
Only time will tell how these revelations about the moon will affect our society in the future, but for now Americans are reminded that just because a belief is widely held, it is not necessarily the truth.
Tim Lebel is a freshman TV-R major. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.