Sawdust

Cover cat falls from grace

Until his 21st birthday, Ithaca College senior Lance Jackson had never experienced any kind of alcohol besides cheap, college party beer.

Does your cat sleep on your computer and completely ignore the expensive bed you bought for him?

Motion picture negotiations have begun after a press conference last Friday revealed Mitt Romney’s intentions to play the villain in the next installment of the James Bond franchise.

Last Wednesday the government made a legislative decision completely out of character when Congress reached a bipartisan agreement to give away free real estate with absolutely no strings attached.

Ithaca College (with the help of REMP) recently installed new, groundbreaking water bottle refill stations on campus and let me say, it’s about fucking time. For too long I’ve had to tilt my water bottle and hold the button to fill my eco-friendly water bottle. Finally, a device that let’s me fill that shit up to the brim.

It’s about time I let you in on a little secret: putting me in the trash doesn’t make me go away. Though it’s pretty obvious once you think about it, we receipts have all of your information tattooed on our bodies.

Leading psychologists have just announced that seemingly innocuous behaviors, such as flipping through old photo albums once a day, could be early stages of Collectingum Uselesscraposis, better known as hoarding.

Last Monday at approximately 10 a.m. the New York Administration for Children and Family Services were surprised to find a furry, disoriented five-year-old digging through the trash outside a school for cookies and singing the alphabet to himself.

Love them or hate them, reality shows are becoming a tent pole of American television. The growing presence of reality programming is what inspired veteran producer, Lance Roan, to develop his revolutionary new show, That’s F***ked Up: Battle for America’s New Obsession. The show will be a competition, but instead of seeing which contestant can stuff the most cockroaches down his or her pants or which prostitute has the nicest singing voice it will be to determine which producer can create the most morally depraved reality show