And Put On Some Pants!
Good morning, girlboss! Are you ready for another day of taking names and kicking ass? You find yourself going into work full of confidence and power. There’s no thought or worry of being patronized by the men at work, or being harassed and overlooked by any means. In fact, you take note that the men at work are coming to you for validation about their performance and asking, “Hey… are my dress pants and shirt too tight?” or “Was I supposed to be wearing a tie? Shit, do you think this will affect how my employer sees my work?” With the men turning to the women in the workplace, you realize that you and the other women are the top employees at work. There’s a sense of pride and entitlement, and you admire this perfect world you live in. Then suddenly, you hear a faint beeping. Beep. Beep.
You wake up to the sound of your alarm and find yourself in the bed of your tiny apartment. “Fuck! It was only a dream… the same damn dream again,” you mutter to yourself. You find yourself laying in bed and slowly coming to the realization that you still live in the shitty patriarchal society that puts men over women. Still being in bed, you run through your daily list of why women are equal to or better than men at conquering life:
- Women are highly intelligent. Yes, men can be intelligent too, but men tend to jump between thoughts, or run before walking with these scattered ideas. We all know how acting before thinking turns out…usually sitting in the dust with their friend named consequences. At least women properly lace up their thoughts before running with them.
- Women can and will consider all the details. How else do you think female serial killers get away with murder? They certainly don’t get away with it by simply bringing a shovel to the party. Female serial killers are more like Joe Goldberg from Netflix’s “You.” Target spotted. “Hello, you.”
- Men claim to understand and advocate for women’s needs and bodies. Umm, excuse me…when was the last time you had to pay the Pink Tax? There should at least be a tax for wearing too much Axe Body Spray and blinding our sense of smell. Also, how long have you lived in a society that has unattainable and unrealistic standards of appearance? So what fruit do you best fit? An apple? A pear? A banana? Or an hourglass?
After mumbling through your list of patriarchal bullshit, you wonder how you can possibly get out of bed. You lie there in bed pondering the question “Why get up?” and face the realities of the world when you could simply lay in bed, scroll through social media for one more TikTok, or Snapchat story, or Instagram reel to see and speak up against the distasteful misogyny. At least scrolling through social media doesn’t require pants…
No! Lying in bed and obsessively browsing social media is not enough! The patriarchy sucks, but nothing will change by staying burrowed in bed with your oversized t-shirt and underwear. You’re awake, alive, and powerful! It’s time to finally face the world, deny reality, and alter society. Dammit! Get yourself out of bed and put some goddamn pants on!
Lenley Aikin is a second-year exploratory major who has spent months in a purgatory where they have to present to a room full of male coworkers. You can reach them at [email protected].