It’s hard to deny that the ways in which we interact with each other have fundamentally changed since the introduction of smartphones and other technology. Our world seems to move faster now. Text messages are sent with the expectation of an immediate reply, anything you want can be delivered to your door with a click of a button, everything is on zoom, and it’s become harder to stave off a phone addiction when the world is at your fingertips and everyone else is just as addicted. Yet, with all these ways to connect, it feels as if we are more disconnected from each other than ever.
I feel like we all know by now that overdependence on technology can lead to loneliness. Social media creates an environment where we compare ourselves to other people and even text messaging often makes us perform versions of ourselves that aren’t quite authentic. When you look up how to form connections in a digital world, many of the articles give good advice but it can also be surface level and lack nuance. To form meaningful connections they say to be yourself and to prioritize face-to-face interactions; but how does one go about doing that? These articles often lack genuine tips on how to achieve these things and what they look like.
To start, I think it’s important to realize that learning to be yourself and to connect with others is a process and can’t be done overnight. Especially in a world that profits from our loneliness and does what it can to keep us disconnected from one another. So have grace with yourself and remember all of us are in a similar boat.
I’ve always been a mildly socially anxious person and I’ve always struggled a little bit with making close friends. This was especially apparent in high school, where I had a lot of trouble forming long lasting relationships with people. Then COVID-19 hit my junior year and things got even worse, like I’m sure it did for many of us. High school is a funny thing though, it can be hard to be your authentic self when you are still figuring out what that means to you while simultaneously trying to be “cool.” Once I graduated though, I was able to take the time and figure out who I wanted to be and what I liked.
I think a big part of making deeper connections with people is understanding what you, yourself, like and dislike, asking yourself what kinds of relationships you want to have, how do you want to treat the people in your life and how do you want them to treat you in return? I started making better connections with people when I had improved my relationship with myself because I had a better idea who I was and what I wanted. It’s a continuous process but it’s alright because part of what makes life interesting is self discovery.
Prioritizing hobbies and dedicating time to experimenting with new interests is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. It sounds cliche but hobbies are important for your health. It made me more confident in what I liked but it has also been a point of social connection with people. Going to a beginner class for something or joining a club you’re interested in can help you meet new people. My friend and I like movies and we see a new one almost weekly and discuss it in depth. I have friends who like art so every once in a while we get together and host craft nights. I’ve found people who like to read just as much as I do and we discuss our current reads at length. I’ve learned a lot about the people I care about through shared interests.
Another thing that influenced how I engage in my relationships with people is the book All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks. I think it gives great advice on how we can begin to bring more love into our everyday lives. It sounds cheesy but she makes good points on how we live in a culture that doesn’t value love, despite it being an integral part of how we build relationships with one another and see the world. And to be clear, she’s not talking about love in a purely romantic sense, she means that, but she also means platonic love, familial love, self-love, love for your community and the world around you.
She talks about this idea of living by a love ethic and how it can transform personal relationships but also societal ones. A love ethic encourages living in a way that “utilizes all the dimensions of love-’care, commitment, trust, responsibility, respect, and knowledge.’-in our everyday lives.” This means that relationships are built on action and active engagement with another person, rather than something surface level or transactional. We can do this by being fully present and receptive with the ones we love, and learning to communicate with them in ways that are healthy, and not purely reactionary. But to do this we have to become more aware of how we treat people and how we are treated, so we can make better choices that align with these ideas. It’s about becoming more intentional about our relationships and putting time and energy into them.
We live in a culture that very much values efficiency and success, this has led to a society that moves fast and is often perfectionistic in how we engage with the world. We don’t have time for reflection, everything in our lives happens fast and usually with ease, so we come to expect that in our relationships too. But that’s not how being a person works, we are complex and always learning and changing. To have better relationships, we need to understand that and embrace it. We need to be open when someone makes a mistake, or thinks differently than us, we need to listen to others and trust that we will be listened to in return.
Lily Brye is a third year Journalism major with an English minor who thinks maybe it’s time we quit the screenager act and pick up a book. She can be reached at lbrye@ithaca.edu.