Sawdust

I don’t give a shit if you got 10 hours of sleep. I don’t give a shit if you got one hour of sleep. Shut that greasy hole in your face that you call a mouth.

A lot of people been coming up to me recently saying, “J, you’re 43 years old, you got a beautiful wife and a gorgeous baby girl and you’re one of the richest dudes I know. No way you still got 99 problems.”

Sunday afternoon, in the Marriott hotel. The National Dentist Association was having its annual convention. In addition to the orthodontists and other dental hygienists brushing up on their technique, the ten fabled dentists were reviewing a new form of Crest. As per usual the product was granted a recommendation by 9 out of 10 dentists. But what about the tenth?

There comes a moment in every student’s life where their school year is full of both math and health education homework. They begin to learn advanced concepts relating to the world of algebra and sex alike that can cause much confusion and intrigue. And at this time, they are left vulnerable to corruption through music television, the twitter, and raunchy shows on Adult Swim.

Almost six months have passed since that fateful day in August, when 80-year-old Spanish woman Cecilia Giminez “restored” a 120-year-old Jesus fresco into what largely resembles a hairy primate. While at first it appeared that Giminez had absolutely no idea as to why her creation offended hundreds of Spanish parishioners, a recent clueless and remorseful statement from the ‘artist’ had some theories about her mishap (though, not quite what the public was looking for).

After months of speculation, it is apparent that aliens are succeeding in their sinister plot to conquer America, The Greatest Nation on Earth. A spokesman for the Alien Defense Agency (ADA) claims several million aliens from the planet Theanus have successfully beguiled immigration officials and are now wreaking havoc all over the country.

At a press release in October, Newt Gingrich announced he would be campaigning to become the moon’s 86th president. However, this story was not found in most major newspapers because no one took Newt seriously, despite his comments months earlier about colonizing the moon. Just a few days later, on the advice of his new campaign manager Giorgio Tsoukalos, an expert on the History Channel show “Ancient Aliens,” Gingrich actually left for the moon.

When Canada isn’t far enough

…we haven’t sold IC to Cornell yet?

SAGITTARIUS November 22nd – December 21st Your diet will take an interesting twist this month when you discover the vegan burgers you’ve grown to love…