Well, you got married a little too young. Maybe for love. Maybe for the dual-income tax break. Maybe because you forgot to use protection. Maybe just because the idea of a destination wedding was too enticing to ignore. Either way, he’s gone, and the ring is in a pawn shop somewhere near your hometown (that lousy $400 could barely fund your break-up girls’ trip). But now, it’s the hottest event of the season: your own divorce shower.
And guess what? You don’t need a DJ! You’ve got me- your newly single, freshly angry girlie who feels your pain, and I have just the thing for you: the ultimate divorce shower playlist for the Gen Z girlie who got married a bit too young and realized that having a ring and having their child doesn’t always mean forever…
Song #1:
“thank u, next” – Ariana Grande
What better way to kick off your divorce shower than a song that lists why it didn’t work out with your previous partners? Funny enough, this was playing in the background when I handed my ex the divorce papers (in the mall food court right across from the pop-up with the cheapest divorce lawyer in town). This song gives you a sense of closure and superiority, but considering Ariana’s love life, it doesn’t give much hope. Let’s just ignore the fact that Ariana is dating her married Wicked co-star now. Next.
Song #2:
“Someone Like You” – Adele
This song hit different when I was eating an entire gallon of chocolate ice cream in my wedding dress after he left. Yeah, don’t recommend it. That stain isn’t coming out. Of course, we need a banger that reminds us just how replaceable he is. You could find a better man in a second. That is, until they also turn out to be replaceable, and it leads to this ongoing cycle that never ends. Wow, this song doesn’t give much hope, either. However, Adele’s pain is universal, and also British, which I guess makes it feel classier.
Song #3:
“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” – Taylor Swift
Ain’t that the truth. This played the second time he texted “u up?” after the papers were signed (in the food court at the mall, remember). Girl. No. We are not “grabbing drinks as friends and seeing what happens.” Just a little reminder to never ever go back to this man.
Song #4:
“Since U Been Gone” – Kelly Clarkson
Feel free to substitute the Pitch Perfect version here as well. Another way to remind yourself just how much you’ve been moving on. He had his chance, he blew it. Plus, think about Kelly’s glow-up. She was beautiful before, and so were you, but now’s your chance to really get that post break-up glow. Maybe this isn’t so bad after all.
Song #5:
“Traitor” – Olivia Rodrigo
Another reminder of just how much of a traitor he is. Going back to the girl he told you not to worry about is evil. This one especially hit when I saw him comment “hawt” on her post- yup, the one told me not to worry about (but his use of early 2000s slang did make it sting a bit less). Olivia might not have been through a divorce yet, but she has the emotional intelligence of someone who’s been divorced twice and ghosted by a Gemini. Olivia just gets it. “You didn’t cheat, but you’re still a traitor?” That would also hit harder if I knew for sure that he didn’t cheat, but it’s not looking good.
Song #6:
“Before He Cheats” – Carrie Underwood
Listen, I’m not saying I keyed his car. I’m also not not saying it. Look, it was a Honda Prius with a “Make America Hot Again” bumper sticker. Seriously?
Song #7:
“The Night We Met” – Lord Huron
This one’s for that 2 a.m. sob-fest when you start romanticizing your first date and forget he knew the waitress. No hope in this one either. Just a reminder that you used to be happy. Play at your own risk. We all need a good cry sometimes.
Song #8:
“Before You Go” – Lewis Capaldi
Nothing like this banger to make you question absolutely everything and exactly where you went wrong. This one’s for the moments when you start wondering if it was all your fault. Oops, still not a lot of hope, is there? My bad.
Song #9:
“Happier Than Ever” – Billie Eilish
Now we’re cooking. This is your transitional anthem: the moment you realize you’re not just surviving the divorce, but you’re thriving in the chaos and seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. Bonus if you scream the bridge so hard your neighbors text to check if you’re okay. You might not be now, but you will be!
Song #10:
“Flowers” – Miley Cyrus
The grand finale (almost). You can buy yourself flowers. And honestly? They’ll last longer than he did. You got this, girl. You’re better off without him anyway.
Honorable Mention:
“Lose You To Love Me” – Selena Gomez
No love is better than self-love. Unless you’re Selena Gomez and you get to witness Justin Bieber actively crash out over you while you’re in a happy and healthy relationship. That love is pretty good too. And we’ll manifest that the same will happen for you someday.
So there it is: the ultimate divorce shower playlist for anyone who realized that “forever” might not be, well, forever. Let the confetti fall, let the group chat roast him, and remember: every tragic ending deserves a banger soundtrack (and me as your DJ, of course)!
Stephanie Tokasz is a grad student studying Entertainment and Media Management who is starting a full-time business as a divorce shower planner. You can reach Stephanie at [email protected].