So you’re 25… time to start planning your funeral!

1. Write your will
   • It’s finally time to get back at everyone! Especially all of those Republican family members who ask me why I still don’t have a job every time I see them. And of course, now’s my time to finally exclude that b*tch who thought we were friends but really isn’t a girl’s girl. 
2. Gather items for a memento display or memorial board
   • Y’all better make sure I look hot!!
3. Contact a legal representative
   • Obviously, Jake from State Farm is the only correct answer here.
4. Select a funeral home
   • These are soooo expensive, why not just do it in my apartment? Oh, wait, I literally still can’t afford one. Maybe my parent’s basement will do?
5. Choose a form of disposition
   • OMG, those religious sacrifices always seemed so cool, where can I sign up for one of those?
6. Choose a service type
   • I know my family would want a military service, but what if I did a furry service where everyone had to come dressed as a furry? Plus, I never joined the Air Force like they wanted, so it’d be pretty awkward to explain that I actually can’t do that…
7. Choose the location for the service
   • Duh, the local park, isn’t that public property anyway? Plus, my body will already be sacrificed, so no one has to know what they’re doing.
8. Schedule an officiant
   • This is too much work!! My friend took the online church wedding officiator thing, does that work?
9. Arrange a cemetery plot
   • Did they not see the part about me being sacrificed? Like, hello, I’m not gonna need this.
10. Choose a grave marker/gravestone
    • Finally, my time to shine! It can read, “To all those I hated, I’ll be hiding under your bed!” ?
11. Arrange the visitation for the family
    • My parents were annoying anyway and I’m not even covered by their insurance anymore, why do they need to come? Plus, I’ll be sacrificed, so just scratch this part away.
12. Prepare the obituary
    • I told a bunch of people I was going to be in the Air Force and studying Pre-Med once I graduated, soooo is it legal for me to write that?
13. Select scriptures or readings for service
    • Bruh I stopped going to church like 24 years ago.
14. Choose forms of media for the memorial
    • Make sure the video makes people cry. Oh yeah, and make sure I look hot.
15. Choose charities
    • For what? I don’t have any money anyway. Oh, wait, that anti-balding charity thing looked cool.
16. Purchase register book
    • If you put my name at the top, that’d be so silly.
17. Select a casket
    • Obviously, my bed, like what’s the question here???
18. Select accessories
    • I really liked the Y2K trend, can I be buried with my hot pink Juicy Couture tracksuit and rhinestone BlackBerry phone?
19. Choose final touches, your hair and makeup
    • I’ve been wanting to dye my hair blonde and use the new Charlotte Tilbury foundation, can they do that? Also, I better look hottt.
20. Select pallbearers
    • So what if I screw over an ex and make them carry my casket? They always called me fat anyway, so they’ll have a time carrying it.
21. Select music for the service
    • The yodeling boy just came out with a new album, so let’s do that one. Or, you can never go wrong with Yeat.
22. Arrange flowers
    • “If I die young, bury me in satin. Lay me down on a bed of roses… Sink me in the river AT DAWN SEND ME AWAY WITH THE WORDS OF A LOVE SONGGG…” Okay, I’ll stop.
23. Arrange transportation
    • Party bus woo woo! They better sing “5 Fingaz to the Face” by the Victorious Cast on that bus.
24. Organize reception lunch
    • McDonald’s catering for the win of course!
25. Final Bucket List item
    • Haunt everyone who ever doubted I couldn’t plan the dopest funeral EVERRRRRR

Stephanie Tokasz is a Senior Film, Photography & Visual Arts major who demands the Victorious Cast perform a song at her funeral. You can reach Stephanie at [email protected].