Asexuality put simply is limited or lack of sexual attraction. However, it is not that simple. Asexuality exists on a broad spectrum. There isn’t one right way to be asexual like there isn’t one right way to be human. Individuals on the ace spec don’t only feel outcasted from hetero society but also the rest of the LGBT+ community. I personally have struggled to connect with other queer people because of how they emphasize sexual activity in relationships. While it is possible to find close connections with others beyond sexuality, knowing you are ace from a young age can impact the experience you get before college and create a disconnect between you and your peers. Arriving on a college campus where I’ve met so many people with decent relationship experience I’ve felt a little behind. It made me wonder if anyone else felt the same.
The realization that you are asexual can be a complicated experience. I personally figured it out between 8th and 9th grade when the insinuation I would partake in sexual acts with my partner at the time made me uncomfortable. In other cases it takes experiencing a physical and/or sexual contact to recognize it. One person I talked to had assumed they should want a relationship because everyone around them did. When they finally kissed someone they realized that was wrong. Not everyone recognizes their discomfort is from being asexual. Even so, the feeling of being outcasted can exist. Looking around society can come across as very hypersexual and that is especially prominent on a college campus when many people are experimenting with their newfound freedom. I’m not alone in this as another person told me that it can be upsetting to see because they genuinely can’t feel the same way as other people who are in relationships.
Further disconnect can come from how asexuality intersects with other identities. When talking to trans men who are also on the ace spectrum they said their aceness made it harder to feel like they passed. Cisgender men are expected to be overly interested in sex so being uninterested as a trans man can feel like a failure. Many people on the ace spec are also on the aromantic spectrum, meaning they experience little to no romantic attraction as well. This, of course, doesn’t ease the pressure of societal expectations seeing as romantic relationships are put on a high pedestal. Friendships can be just as meaningful but it doesn’t always feel like that’s allowed. I can’t fully understand as I am not on the aro spectrum yet I have imagined a future with my friends more than I have with a potential romantic partner. I’ve always perceived attraction a bit differently from others and I think that comes with my likely neurodivergency. I’m not the only one that feels this way though as it is also common for people on the ace spectrum to be neurodivergent. Multiple people I talked to recognized that their neurodivergency and disabilities played into how their attraction works.
There is so much that happens internally when you realize that you are on the ace spectrum but it also has an impact on the relationships you have with other people. As I mentioned earlier there is an expectation of cis men to want sex. Cis men on the ace spectrum can’t meet this expectation and this has an impact on their relationship experience in high school. One friend of mine said he had a girl he really liked but decided not to get into a relationship with because she really wanted to have sex before college. I and many others share a fear of disappointing a partner because of our sexual preferences. On the other hand some people become very offended when you say you aren’t interested because of your asexuality. They might not even believe you because they don’t understand it. This tension also goes beyond romantic relationships as family and friends can be reluctant to take the time to understand. They brush it off as a phase. All of this culminates in limited relationship experience before college adding to the feeling that you’re running behind compared to your peers.
Those that don’t understand the asexuality spectrum make many assumptions. It’s important to recognize that it is a spectrum and some people do feel some sexual attraction or are ok with being apart of sexual acts without feeling the attraction. When talking with my allosexual (someone who experiences sexual attraction) friend she understood that asexuality is a spectrum but said that when she first began to learn her mother would say lack of sexual attraction was a normal part of being a teenager and people will “grow out of it”. Recognizing that people continue to exist on the ace spectrum past youth creates a more welcoming environment for us to be who we are.
People on the ace spectrum can be in happy relationships with or without anything sexual being involved. The belief that this isn’t possible contributes to ace people choosing to not explore romantic relationships out of fear of rejection for being ace. At least that’s how I and others I talked to feel. A more upsetting assumption is that ace people are only ace because they have experienced some form of sexual trauma. While that may be true for some it’s not always the case. I was asked if I had been assaulted when I first came out, which I haven’t, and that tainted my coming out experience a little. People don’t have to have a reason for being asexual it’s simply another way to experience attraction.
It’s hard to share something so personal and sensitive when you don’t know how who you’re telling will react. Previous bad experiences and anxieties make it difficult to be ace in high school and it continues to be a struggle in college. If someone feels comfortable to tell you about their asexuality, be open minded. Even after reading this article you may not understand people who are asexual but you should still try to listen without judgement. If asexuality was less of a stigmatized identity I believe that would’ve helped me feel more comfortable exploring my sexuality in high school. That being said, someone’s sexuality shouldn’t define them. My dad has told me for a while that someone’s identity is the least interesting thing about them and I find that to be very true.
CJ is a first year TV, Photography and Digital Media major who believes in having important conversations about sexuality and identity. They can be reached at cjones13@ithaca.edu.