[Editor’s Note: This edition was originally supposed to have 2 features covering events on Easter Sunday, with one reporter covering the National Hot, Divorced Dad Convention (HDDC) and the other covering an Easter Brunch held in the Bahamas with exclusive interviews from special guest stars Beyoncé, Sabrina Carpenter, Timothee Chalamet, Zoey Saldana, and Guy Fieri. Unfortunately, due to the unfortunate and sudden demise of our original reporter, Brad Grobsonson, who tragically died of natural causes wearing a pink cowboy hat and nothing else while singing a karaoke performance of ‘Pink Pony Club’ in Seattle, we had to pull our other reporter, Brendan Tomaszewski, from his family in the Bahamas to cover the HDDC rather than covering Easter Brunch. He was beyond thrilled for his reassignment.]
On April 20, 2025, the 1st annual ‘Hot, Divorced Dad Convention for Lonely Suitors’ was held in Detroit, Michigan. Over 4.5 million visitors gathered in the Detroit Convention Center in order to celebrate the old American tradition of being a divorced father, and with it came a week full of community, love, Speedos, patriotism, and most importantly of all, homosexuals.
During a poll sent out to all attendees, approximately 4,499,999 attendees identified as homosexual, with one man, Kyle Broski, being the sole attendee who identified as straight.
“Yeah, dawg, like, that was wild,” Broski said. “A bunch of my dawgs from home, they were all like, ‘Kyle you’ve gotta come to this event, it’s the next big thing,’ and I was hesitant until they pulled out a 6 pack of Modelo Especials and I then was all like, ‘whaaaat alright I’m in.’ But before we got there, I was hungr,y so we went to Skyline Chili-”
[Reporter’s note: For the next 45 minutes of our 46-minute interview, Broski went deep into profound detail about how he ‘pregamed’ for the Divorced Dad Convention. I will spare you the excruciating mental and emotional turmoil toll, so here are the highlights:
The word ‘Beer’ was said 1,268 times.
I was high fived 87 times.
I was asked if I wanted a high five 176 times.
I was referred to as ‘sick ass reporter dude man’ 11 times ]
“- Alright, anyway,” Broski said. “So we got to the event and I was all like, ‘Woah that’s a lot of men,’ and then my friends, oh they were lesbians by the way, walked away and then a man walked up to me and starting flirting with me and I was all like, ‘woah.’ That’s pretty much it, though.”
“There was no way we could have predicted this happening,” says leading Divorced Dad expert Long John, “One or two gay, divorced dads for sure, but this was just absurd. That’s not because I’m homophobic, though.”
Secondary Leading Divorced Dad expert, Small John, had a differing opinion.
“I’m homophobic, and even I was surprised,” Small John said. “This is a convention for a bunch of sad, lonely 40-year-olds to show off their massive, brooding, oiled-up exteriors to all of us other men, not a convention for men to kiss each other! Maybe a feel-up of a bicep once or twice or thrice or four times or maybe even more, and alright maybe just one little tiny kiss on the lips with tongue, but this happens to every man daily. I was just there to engage in the art of being a Divorced Father in 2025, so obviously, I would engage with the other guests with these activities. It’s not weird and it’s most definitely not gay.”
When asked about whether Small John’s recent divorce with Long John had any part in his perception of the event, Small John broke into tears and metaphorically threw me out of his office (by pushing me slightly on the shoulder with his noodle arms, but then after a couple minutes of very sad, depressing shoving he pointed at the door. I honestly don’t even know why I’m calling it an office. He lives in a Panera Bread’s dumpster. It smelled like burnt bread and every now and then a staff member would throw a whole loaf of bread into it, unknowing of the goblin that lived in there.), because he fits his first name in that he is a very small, short, squat, angry little man and could not throw me out even when he tried.
[Reporter’s Note: During his interview, Small John was sweating profusely and talked to himself for brief periods of time, referring to himself in the third person. I’m not sure how this relates to his research on divorced dads, but I just thought I would slip it in.
[Editor’s Note: We tried to delete these unprofessional notes from Tomaszewski, but every time we tried, he threatened to blow up Buzzsaw and everyone in it, so we’re keeping them in. Do with it what you will. This article already has next to nothing about the event itself. It’s like 5 am. Whatever, man]
[Reporter’s Note: Don’t listen to them. They eat babies and puppies and joy and democracy.]
Local homeless man “Banjo” was snorting coke off of a Jersey Mike’s Meatball Sub next to the conference center during the time of the event, and he had an important observation regarding the attendees.
“There was an event?” Banjo said. “That’s cool.”
Snorting coke next to Banjo during this time was apparently the director of the event, Randy Stanford-Law. When Stanford-Law was visited in his office, which featured a live bald eagle wearing a confederate flag baseball cap sitting at his desk and a sad, bald man curled up in a ball in the corner, he was crying and throwing various assorted office supplies at the wall. It turns out that the bald man was not just a decoration, but indeed Stanford-Law himself. He did not comment about the eagle. He revealed that the event this year was supposed to be much more evil than what actually happened.
“This was supposed to be an event that would band together the most disorganized and confused group of people in the whole world: Divorced fathers,” said Stanford-Law. “I would bring them all together and give them a purpose, a Hawaiian shirt, a complimentary bar, enclosed & intimate spaces for plotting crimes, and lots of kiddie pools with camping chairs to accomplish one goal: rid the world of love and hope, like a true American.”
[Reporter’s note: After Stanford-Law said this, he saluted the eagle on his desk, who had just taken a dump in his chair, and pulled out a CD radio. When he hit ‘play’, the song ‘365’ by Charli XCX started to play. He quickly fumbled with it until the US National Anthem started to play.
Stanford-Law proceeded to start to cry again. This took several minutes until he could compose himself.
“But it was all ruined!” Stanford-Law screamed. “I made all of the panels especially to bring these strange men together and indoctrinate them, like: Muscular Man-Oiling panels to get them nice and sleek and powerful, ”
“But it was all a lie! All everyone did was order Vodka sodas and Cosmopolitans! We had over 30 million leftover cans of Bud Light!” Stanford-Law said as he was drinking a 25oz can of Bud Light. “…All gay people do is do bad things in their evil circles, doing things like-like, you know, being gay and… like being evil and stuff.”
After leaving Stanford-Law in his strange, strange little office, the next thing on the checklist that was planned was talking to the main sponsor of the sponsor of the event, but unfortunately the Church of Scientology denied any affiliation with the event despite the $45 million that was donated by them towards the ‘Muscleman Man’s Man Oil for Man and Men’ used in the event. Fox News refused to talk as well.
Finally, attendee of the event Dan Summthing gave his opinion on the event.
“It was pretty cool,” Summthing said. “Wish they had anything else to eat other than raw steak, but I made do. I’ll probably go again next year. I heard Kyan Douglas will be at the next one.”
The National Hot, Divorced Dad Convention for Lonely Suitors was a time for joy. One wouldn’t expect a group of divorced dads to be happy, but one also wouldn’t expect a news outlet to pull a reporter from his wife and five children in the Bahamas for what could have been the greatest event he has ever covered to cover an event for divorced dads, but here we are.
[Reporter’s note: I’m gonna be drinking a lot more after this gets published]
[Editor’s note: I don’t even care anymore. Do whatever. Life has no meaning. Be gay. Do crimes.]
Brendan Tomaszewski is a Junior Communication Strategy and Design major who is in hot pursuit of Medium John for comment. You can reach Brendan at [email protected].