Growing up as a child of divorce, I quickly learned how people received phrases like “Sorry I can’t, I’m staying at my mom’s house tonight” or “I left my backpack at my dad’s house this morning!” The question and confirmation of “Your parents are divorced?” always arrived as a cautious follow-up. It was as if it was strange I referred to places as “mom’s house” and “dad’s” instead of simply saying “my house.”
When people asked me to confirm, it never came with a smile but a worrisome and cautious glance, as if the word “divorce” itself was heavy with something equivalent to a funeral, or mourning a loved one. Sometimes the word was even whispered, like it was a secret or something to hide. However, luckily enough, I always enjoyed being able to shoot down the sad looks and disrupt the preconceived stereotypes that exist around “divorce.” Yes, my parents still talk, no, my stepmom is not evil, and yes, we all get along.
I was in first grade when my parents officially got a divorce. I may not remember much of that experience, being it was more than 10 years ago, but I do remember getting an iPad for Christmas that year, which meant being able to Facetime my dad after school and play games like Cut The Rope on that massive iPad with a home button (prehistoric times). It was strange not having two parents in the same house together, but I learned to love it because in reality it wasn’t very different from how things were before. If anything, it just meant I had more space to decorate and live in, which was fun for me. And before I knew it, both my parents ended up getting remarried to people who the universe was possibly pushing them towards all along.
Before they both got remarried though, I remember living with them through their typical and possibly unavoidable “post divorce clarity” journeys. My mom for example got a brand new haircut and started working out more than ever, and finally got her third piercing on her left ear. My dad started training for half marathons and was living alone in a small apartment where we’d order pizza practically every night for dinner. It was quite beautiful watching the two people who raised me navigate their lives alone in separate ways, while still inspiring me to be loving and kind. Just because they weren’t married to each other didn’t mean they couldn’t show me how to be a loving person.
When my dad finally met my stepmom, I was in 2nd grade, and soon after they started dating, he realized she had the exact same birthday as me. I remember being excited to meet my birthday twin and I also remember wanting to be just like her and making her play too many board games with me after school. In many ways, my parent’s divorce is one of the greatest blessings of my life, because it brought me a built-in best friend and birthday twin who I now share matching tattoos with. My stepdad is also someone I am eternally grateful for, who my mom met when I was in 5th grade. He is someone who watched me grow up, took me fishing after school and didn’t complain when I’d steal all his cozy oversized sweatshirts.
I feel proud to be able to disrupt this stereotype of “evil step parents” and I think my step parents do too: “As an American raised in the last 50 years, I believe that there has always been the stereotype about children of divorce feeling abandoned by one of their parents and not loved as much as they should be from both parents,” my step dad admits. I think no matter what, there will always be stereotypes, but maybe the more we share our stories and discuss our experiences around divorce being positive, these stereotypes will be disrupted, and children can learn to appreciate the aspects of divorce and what comes with it.
My stepmom also agrees, but explains her perspective too: “I have tried to put my daughter’s interest above the relationships between the parents, but that was easier to do because her primary mother and father chose to do that too.” With all four parents working together to create a healthy and stable environment, it really makes all the difference.
I think there are clearly stereotypes that exist around divorce, and while every situation is different, I think it is profoundly important to realize how truly courageous and important divorce can be. I think oftentimes people see divorce as another word for “failed marriage.” I personally see it as maybe two people were brave and mature enough to step away from a relationship that was no longer serving them, so they could both thrive and find love in other places. When all is said and done, I am lucky I have the privilege of being grateful that my parents got divorced. While every situation is different, I think the idea of divorce and the stereotype around it should change, and I think the only way to do that is to continue having discussions about marriage and love. There is something courageous to be said about those who decide to divorce. Those who are able to step away from a marriage that is no longer serving them, and to show their children that it’s okay to do this. Maybe my family relationship isn’t the “norm” in terms of divorced parent situations, but I hope one day it can be.
Autumn Valdes is a second-year journalism and religious studies double major who says divorce doesn’t have to be a dirty word. They can be reached at [email protected].