This is a transcript from the breakup of Lena Dunham and Jack Antonoff as told by their dog.
“You can finally eat in the bed without anyone getting mad at you,” Dad tearfully says to Mom as she packs up her things. I loved our apartment, a glimpse of beauty in the hustle and bustle of New York City… Every day Dad would belt “Just Give Me a Reason” featuring P!NK, and Mom would talk about her love of Hilary Clinton. They would walk me down cobblestone streets and feed me artisanal dog treats cultivated in Brooklyn and every night I would sleep atop their Egyptian cotton sheets.
“Why did you cheat on me with that Australian tart?”
“She’s from New Zealand.”
“We had a life together….” Mom says as she picks up her yellow mesh shirt and natural deodorant stick and throws them in a cardboard box.
I tried to be very civil about the breakup of my parents and not take sides, but at the end of the day, Mom is such a #boss. As I walk around these hardwood floors I see traces of the life my parents had made for me. I walk past the piano Dad used for the scoring of the Love, Simon soundtrack and wonder if he would ever go bisexual. On the wall hangs a beautiful nude portrait of Adam Driver and Mom. They are lying on their sides but Mom lies in front so you can’t see his dick, fuck. I wish I was a human so I too could write a show, just so I could fuck Adam Driver on it. I scamper past my pride flag chew toy, they wanted me to be gay so bad, why can’t metrosexual ever be good enough?
“Taylor Swift wrote a song about us!”
“You looked stupid in the Bad Blood music video! What type of name is Lucky Fiori?”
“No one even listens to Bleachers. Everyone just thinks you were the lead singer in fun., but you couldn’t even do that.”
It’s true, Mom and Dad adopted me after the break up of fun. Everyone believes Dad was the lead singer of Fun but that’s actually not true at all, it was Nate Ruess, whoever the fuck that is.
“Hillary was never going to win!”
“Take that back.”
“No, and quite frankly the fact that you spent an entire summer campaigning around America for her is ridiculous.”
“I was fighting to save democracy.”
“She hated Girls so much she went on Broad City.”
I recently found out the gay roommate on Broad City is a straight man and I was shaken. Mom doesn’t let me watch Broad City for obvious reasons but Dad watches it in secret with me…
“There was a scheduling CONFLICT!”
“Woof.”
“Nah she fucked with Abbi Jacobson way more than you.”
“Fuck Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer, why didn’t God make me bisexual, FUCK.”
“You smell like a Zoo,” Dad says.
“Arff arf arf arf.”
That is not true, Mom smells like cheesy candles and laundry.
I poop on the floor.
Ari Klein is a sophomore writing major who barks along to “Dancing On My Own.” You can reach Ari at [email protected].