I’ve got a big evil secret
And I thought I could keep it
But I’m planning on turning the college’s natural lands into a go-kart track,
It’s all everyone’s ever needed
First I’ll write it out, then pitch it to Terry Cornish
I’m sure she’ll really love it, my words really flourish
Oozing and ebbing out of all my bodily cavities
Just like the goop that we will pour in our karts that reeks of longevity
There will be a concession stand with lots of sweet treats
Right where the conservatory used to be
We can serve slop and sludge and scat
People will rush in from town to see the Ithaca College go-kart track
Our racers will be nothing but the best
With solid gold “IC” on their breasts
Forty dollars a ticket but it’s absolutely worth it
Everyone’s going to want to see the hot new shit
As each racer rounds the fresh new corners,
Their melted rubber burns the throats of our esteemed Dilly performers
The rest of us float to the scent, like Tom to a fresh pie
And get flattened like a pancake by the next superfast guy
I’ll send my steamrollers out, just past the towers
No more trees or deer or stupid fucking flowers
All that’s left will be a flat field of dirt
And hopefully then I’ll be able to send my goons to work
We will pave the course with goop and gunk
Surely a trip to the track will get you out of your sophomore slump
The land actually wanted to be decimated, it told me itself
Zero environmental consequences, and I’m swimming in wealth
Once it’s complete the racers will all meet
Mind numbed freaks, that will sweep you off your feet
All clamoring to ride, a sweetly soiled hive mind
Not a single rule do they abide, under the grim goopy skies
Now lately there’s been some harsh critique
My peers don’t seem to like what they see
But I’ll say the same thing week after week
How bad can I possibly be?
Matt Argus is a first-year sound recording tech major who waxes poetic about the blue shell in Mario Kart. You can reach Matt at [email protected].