School also ranked among best in Existentially Threatening Architecture, Bathroom Cleanliness
Ithaca College snatched the 4th spot on EduNews’s list of the Most Listed Colleges of 2023/24, bolstering IC’s reputation as a yearly presence on listings of the nation’s best Moderately Adequate Colleges. This is the third year in a row that the college has been picked by EduNews, and IC’s position has improved two places from 6th. Ithaca College was among one of the earliest adopters of EduNews’s groundbreaking rollout of metaphysical college rankings, having even gone as far as to spend part of their marketing budget to fund the start-up. Cornell University, meanwhile, has reportedly purchased an unknown amount of shorts in the same company’s stock. Admin at the Rochester Institute of Technology have complained publicly that Ithaca College has a conflict of interest in owning a stake in EduNews, but key analysts have observed that this is only a product of RIT’s notorious inferiority complex.
Tara Kitzmiller of EduNews was excited at the prospect of publishing a whole new category of metaphysical collegiate rankings. “We’ve opened up so many new ways to bombard the emails of high schoolers.” Lists that will appear in coming months include The Top 138 Colleges and Universities Known for Being Well-Known and The Top Fifty Most Beautiful College Campuses as Ranked by the People Who Have Never Visited Them. “We can’t wait to get to work on this exciting new project,” Kitzmiller said. “The College Board has just sold us over 30,000 student email addresses at $0.02 a pop, and I’ve already begun to compile our mailing list.” It is rumored among the employees at EduNews that the mailing list’s unsubscribe button will be so small it will be invisible to the naked eye.
An anonymous high-ranking college admin who is head of marketing at their university has commented on the importance of third party college rankings. “If we have a good year for list placements, we see our enrollment increase by up to 4%,” they said. “That’s enough of a boost to fund a tangible increase in our president’s salary.”
More specialized lists also help students with unique needs find schools that can accommodate them. Tom Plaine, a freshman at the American University of Toronto in Montréal, needs to eat bland foods as a result of his gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD). EduNews’ Top 32 Colleges that Lack Culinary Imagination helped Plaine find a school that could accommodate his dietary restrictions. “I didn’t even need to apply for special accommodations. I just eat what they serve in the dining hall.”
One of the other categories in which IC is highly regarded is Existentially Threatening Architecture. While some have been critical of the campus’s brutalist architecture, probably best exemplified by Dillingham Hall, there are others who appreciate it. “I think it’s good,” one anonymous student said. “Some of the people on this campus can be very high-energy. I look around and everyone is always in high spirits. Thankfully, I think the totalitarian vibe that our campus gives off does a lot to help crush some of that spirit,” the student said, glaring at the interviewer from beneath the hood of a baggy black sweatshirt.
IC is also in the running to make the list of The Top 999 Colleges and Universities in the Finger Lakes Area. Be sure to check the spam folder of your favorite email client for future updates.
Kevin O’Connor is a senior film major who is featured on a list of Buzzsaw writers who write articles about lists. You can reach Kevin at [email protected].