The year is 2150, and while you would think there’d have to be flying cars by this point, you’d be wrong. Instead of futuristic, technological advancements shaping a world that should theoretically look foreign to the minds of us pipsqueaks in the 21st century, the horizon line is instead littered with rubble, ash, and geese carcasses.
Now, how America got to this point is relatively simple: everyone in the government who was on life support sadly passed after a massive power outage. Unfortunately, due to the law passed in 2064 stating every elected official of the government had to be older than 75, all members of the Judicial, Legislative, and Executive Branch of the United States Government kicked the bucket simultaneously.
This meant that in the wake of powerful bags of bones officially turning to dust, a power vacuum formed, fresh for the picking, and each state was prepped and ready to seize the opportunity to shape America into their vision.
An amazing feature about the future is that war is not simply waged via guns and manpower, we as a country have at least become more civilized than that in the past century. Now, instead of sending our citizens to die fighting their brothers, we take inspiration from the Romans. Each state must choose a champion, who will then have to go through multiple rounds fighting exponentially growing amounts of Canada Geese. No weapons, no armor, just bare knuckles and prayer.
The process of choosing a champion for each state is meticulous and precise, taking into consideration not only physical strength but also morale and gusto. It doesn’t matter how gargantuan your delts are if you have a fear of bird flu and can’t entertain the masses with your skills. It’s a long and grueling process, involving many goose experts and also RuPaul, because if there are two things he’s good for, it’s absorbing the life force of young queers who don’t know what fracking is to achieve immortality and knowing who the best entertainers are.
After all 50 champions have been chosen, they get shipped to Allegiant Stadium in Vegas because if it’s good enough for the Super Bowl, it’s good enough for determining the future of the country. From here, the true Roman Empirical nature of this whole ordeal shines through, with tens of thousands of individuals coming to watch this grand gladiator spectacle and millions more watching from home (ideally with wings).
The first round of this epic Man V Goose battle starts off seemingly easy, with there being only one goose to fight. While most state champions are able to handle this with ease, Hawaii unfortunately runs into some issues given Canada Geese never really traverse to the tropical lands of Honolulu. With a swift bite of the ankle and a peck in the eye, Hawaii calls uncle. On the other side of the Loonie, champions from Colorado, New York, and Oregon take down the singular goose with ease, while also giving a performance that somehow makes the audience want to look at a man and a goose hash it out in the middle of a huge field.
The next round is where things start to pick up steam: a whole 5 geese. Southwestern states start dropping like flies: California, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Arizona, even Texas, all gone, not able to take the power and skill of just enough geese to make you nervous barreling towards them. Texas’s loss in particular caused some upset among Fantasy Goose Gladiator fans, but it’s important to remember that you cannot hide behind your firearms in these spats. The star of the round was definitely New York, who, as said via confessionals per Ru’s request, actually went to Ithaca College. They managed to grab hold of the legs of two geese and glide around the arena for a few seconds. Very impressive.
In the third round, twenty geese are now the opponents for our remaining champions. A fun addition to this round is that the birds have not been fed for a while, and they relish in the taste of blood. This is unfortunate for many of our champions, with Nebraska, Maine, and Mississippi being the biggest insults to their families and homes. Mississippi ate shit the second they walked into the arena, Maine tried to outrun the swarm as if they couldn’t fly, and Nebraska forgot to take leftover corn kernels out of their pocket before the face-off, which only tripled the rage of these devilish birds.
Now down to only 10 states left, New York has become the fan favorite among the Ex-American people. Minnesota had potential in the beginning but was unable to tap into the performance art of the sport. Oregon has kept steady in both performance and pizzazz, although some are starting to notice they’ve been recycling the same moves. Idaho, Delaware, Colorado, Maryland, Utah, and West Virginia haven’t been anything to write home about unfortunately, but surviving is all you need to do. Florida is who people have started to keep their eyes on, the Florida Man intrigue has been picking up since most of their battles have been relatively subdued up until now.
As tension builds with the general public waiting to see the final few champions face fifty geese at once, disaster strikes. New York and Idaho were caught in the locker room making sweet, sweet love. A scandal like this obviously shocked the broken nation, dividing its citizens more than they were already. The PR nightmare led to a delay of round four, and the unfortunate resignation of both champions.
The bittersweet day of round four came and went, and as the sun retreated behind the horizon, so too did five out of eight of the remaining champions. Delaware? Nose bitten off. Colorado? Suffocated. Maryland? Pulled an involuntary Icarus and got flown towards the sun via the force of a ton of geese, only to splat onto the hot desert of Nevada. West Virginia? Don’t utter that name ever again, for the pain is too much. And then there was Minnesota, surrounded by ravenous, feathery monsters. They could’ve taken them all, but the need to prove to the world that they could not only be a warrior, but a performer, clouded their judgment. Yes, this was a battle for the nation, but who would take seriously a champion of all champions with no stage presence or the ability to relate to the crowd? Unlike Maryland, Minnesota was a true Icarus, adding a little flourish to the punches they threw, leaving them more vulnerable to the mighty rampage imposed by the mob of geese.
Finally, there were three: Oregon, Florida, and Utah. The predicted champion of all champions, the wild card, and the one who everybody’s surprised made it this far. One hundred geese wait in the arena, antsy to kill. Oregon’s up first, faced with a swarm of beady eyes. Channeling New York’s power through them, the Pacific Northwestern champion bounds forward, but what the coordinators didn’t take into consideration was whether or not a hundred geese may have been too many geese. The battle was short, and brutal. Oregon’s organs were feasted upon in the matter of seconds.
It was too late to back down now, so despite the massacre, Florida entered the arena filled with geese now adorning beaks stained red. Up until this point, the champion of Jimmy Buffet and Disney World had remained relatively tame, but now, after what happened to Oregon, the gloves had to come off. Millions watched as Florida grabbed the neck of the first goose to charge them, snapping it quickly, and fashioning the corpse into a soft mace. They thunked every goose that came at them, whirling the limp body of the fallen as if it were their destiny. It seemed almost like they could win. Almost. From behind, a rogue gander runs up to this Florida Man, through the legs, and SNAP! Bites their groin with an intensity like no other. This is where the luck runs out, as the swarm takes another innocent life.
The final hope for the country, Utah, stands alone, facing one hundred geese. Not a word is spoken, not in the arena, not in households across the nation. As they take out a small black book, the last champion does not look frightened… rather amused. The geese charge at this cocky asshole, only for what can only be characterized as an act of God occurring. Lightning bolts rain from the clear blue sky of the desert. Blam, Blam, BLAM! A hundred geese quickly become fifty quickly become ten quickly become zero.
In the center of piles of dead geese, Utah’s Champion slowly takes off their garb to reveal a white button-up, with a black tie. John Smith himself. The civil war is over. America is now under the rule of the Mormon Church. Take that, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
Lily Rhyne is a first-year film major who is strongly considering moving to Utah. You can reach Lily at [email protected].