Transcript from an Actual Conversation
Representing Cornell: Caroline Something or Other
Written by: Maggie Childers, writer, daughter, philanthropist, lover
CAROLINE: We are coming at you from Cornell’s Campus
MAGGIE: And you could cut the tension with a knife…
Silence.
CAROLINE: I don’t have long, what are we doing here?
MAGGIE: Ah, yes! Well I thought I’d bring you here to address the feud between-
CAROLINE: Oh! Yes! The Harvard v. Cornell rivalry. A real nail-biter, but I think we have a leg
up with-
MAGGIE: Hm, close guess. But no. The cross-town rivalry between-
CAROLINE: Oh! Cornell v. Ithaca High School. You know, never write off those young kids. Some smart kids over at the high school.
MAGGIE: I- Um. No. No. I was talking about the rivalry between Cornell and Ithaca.
CAROLINE: The town? How would we-
MAGGIE: The…the college. Ithaca College.
Silence.
CAROLINE: Let’s do an ad break.
MAGGIE: We don’t do those here. Do you not know about Ithaca College?
CAROLINE: [laughter] No, yes, of course I do. You guys do, charity?
MAGGIE: We’re a full-fledged college.
CAROLINE: Yes of course you are. I’m sorry, that information must have gotten lost in the
shuffle.
MAGGIE: Well, I thought I would put the issues to bed. Would you like to talk about all the
things you like about Ithaca?
CAROLINE: Why don’t you go first, so I can get inspired.
MAGGIE: Of course…[inaudible murmuring] Cornell student…[inaudible] needing inspiration.
clears throat. Sure yeah. Let me kick things off, we’ll go back and forth. One thing I love about
Cornell is those greenhouses, fabulous!
CAROLINE: Yeah, it’s really interesting work, we actually-
[REDACTED due to BORING]
MAGGIE: No that’s, that’s great. Okay, your turn.
CAROLINE: I love the um, the plays and sketches.
MAGGIE: Really? What productions have you seen?
Silence.
CAROLINE: Cut!
MAGGIE: You don’t have the authority to say that.
Silence.
MAGGIE: Going back to what you said-
[REDACTED per the request of the Cornell rep]
CAROLINE: What do you love about Cornell?
MAGGIE: Well it’s state funded, so that’s really awesome. I mean it’s thanks to you the roads
look like Temple Run.
CAROLINE: Oh, and all that money at your school is going where? Google iImages is showing
me some of the ugliest buildings north of the Hudson.
MAGGIE: And DON’T get me started on the hospitals! We don’t need a good ER, don’t worry
about us, you keep buying more libraries!
CAROLINE: I wasn’t worried! I doubt we need more interpretive dancers and finger painters in
the world!
MAGGIE: That is rich! The only thing you’re learning over there is how best to hide that
bulging ego.
CAROLINE: You’d know something about rich! How much are you paying to attend that
“Basket Weaving for Self-Discovery” course?
MAGGIE: Oh yeah, I’ve always known Cornell to be on the cheaper side. And you know good
and well there is no such class.
CAROLINE: I wouldn’t know, actually. I just found out this place existed.
Silence.
MAGGIE: Well, I just found out you’re the worst Ivy.
CAROLINE: [REDACTED]
MAGGIE: Well. I truly feel like we’ve reached some common ground today, don’t you?
CAROLINE: [muffled]
MAGGIE: What a pleasure to have you Caroline, and what a pleasure I have been too. Thank
you everyone! Let’s do this again sometime.
Maggie Childers is a Sophomore Writing major and Philosophy minor and when she took the road less travelled it definitely didn’t make all the difference. You can reach Maggie at [email protected].