For those in the know, Buzzsaw was originally named Buzzsaw Haircut. Why? I dunno. It was 1999, and they named magazines all willy-nilly as they ate their Dunkaroos or whatever. It came from a song called “Hamlet Chicken Plant Disaster” by Mojo Nixon and Jello Biafra. It’s a song about a real disaster that occurred where 25 people died in a chicken factory fire. And has just a small little lyric where they talk about a kid with a “buzzsaw haircut.” Okay…what does that have to do with magazines?
Flash forward to 2024, it’s about to be Buzzsaw’s 25th anniversary. I come to the Buzzsaw board with a genius idea like the mini megamind that I am. I pitch the coolest fundraiser EVER: I give students buzzsaw haircuts for an insignificant fee.
Suddenly, Buzzsaw has “morals” and “ethics” and “generally abides by cosmetology regulation?”
When was the last time the Sawdust section had real oversight? Sawdust’s last editor, Sarah Borsari, told me day one about her unbridled embezzlement. I’ve been using Buzzsaw to fund my crippling gambling/Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Sunflower Seed Butter Cup addiction for months now. Can’t you let me have one thing? I honestly try to make up for my misappropriation of funds, and you shut me down?
I bought the electric clippers already, and I’ve been practicing. My armpit hair has never been so tamed! My happy trail has never been more joyous! I shave my face in the mornings, and only have a little bit of a neckbeard! I’ve been listening to a lot of Myspace music circa 2009, which basically makes me a scene kid, which basically makes me an expert at hairstyling.
C’mon guys, you need to trust me. I have a mullet and everything! It’s business in the front, party in the back, and a 1,000 hour approved course of study and passing both the New York State written and practical examinations on the sides.
If you hear any rumors that there is or ever was a Buzzsaw Magazine Buzzsaw Haircut Fundraiser, you’re crazy and you need to check your residence for carbon monoxide leaks. If you hear anyone claim to have had their hair cut (or buzzed) by me, they are lying and I will be suing them for slander. And even in that hypothetical scenario in which I gave multiple individuals haircuts using an electric razor, those hypothetical buzzsaw haircuts would be rad as hell.
So if you’re looking for a fresh fade, I’ll be hosting a COMPLETELY UNRELATED buzzsaw haircut event at a location that is to be determined in exchange for a small contribution to my Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Sunflower Seed Butter Cup fund.
Your cosmetology-certified barber/editor,
Connor
Connor Stanford is a Junior Theatre Studies major who can be trusted with club funds. You can reach Connor at [email protected] .