If there’s one thing I can’t stand in this world, it’s posers. Too many people will say one thing and mean another. For example, last week, the mailman, after being invited inside, told me “your house is freaking me out,” when what he really meant to say was, “I enjoy the fact that your refrigerator not only dispenses ice cubes, but is also capable of carving an ice sculpture in your likeness.” His remark ruined my entire day. I had no choice but to clap my hands three times, activating “the motivator” from Wipeout, which deployed promptly from the ceiling and punted him out the front door. It’s this two-facedness that it makes it difficult for me to interact with others. Not only that, but there is a certain pervasive ignorance I have observed in my peers that irks me. When anybody listens to me speak about my automated house, whether that be my friends, my mother, my barber, my dentist, my old college professors (via email), my old college dean (via email), the girl at the grocery store counter, the man at the DMV, the cobbler, the horse groomer, the horse breeder, any potential romantic partner, my old college janitors (via email), et cetera, they all either give me judgemental reactions or don’t respond at all. It’s immensely frustrating because I’ve already decided that they should be jealous of me. If only people approached novel information with the same open mindedness that I do. This is why I have taken it upon myself to dispel these ignorant assumptions and educate the masses on why my automated house, and by extension my lifestyle, is completely awesome and also additionally sensical as well.
Firstly, I want to do away with the (incorrect) idea that many seem to get stuck up in their dense skulls that my cool automated house is in any way, shape, or form related to that one scary Ray Bradbury story where the empty talking house burns down… It’s not! It’s not! Shut up! SHUT UP! It’s not! People just regurgitate anything that they see nowadays. You guys do understand that that story is complete fiction, right? Therefore it has no value to, or impact on, the real world. There’s nothing to be learned from it, so stop bringing it up please! My house will not burn down! And even if it did, I would still be in it, so it wouldn’t be empty… So that doesn’t even make sense so… Shut up maybe?
Secondly, my house also bears no resemblance to that of the hit 1999 Disney Channel Original Movie Smart House! My house is not Smart House! My house’s internal computer system does not take on the role of an overbearing mother that a grieving thirteen year old programs to interfere with his father’s attempts to date again because the kid is in denial that his father might have moved on from his actual late mother! It’s not like that at all! That would be ridiculous! So fucking drop it! Furthermore, my house is again, not at all tied to the 2006 American computer-animated supernatural horror comedy film Monster House directed by Gil Kenan, with screenplay by Pamela Pettler, Rob Schrab, and Dan Harmon! Yes, that Dan Harmon. You know, the one that did Community! I’m tired of you asking! My house will not become evil and swallow children! Please do not call me Mr. Nebbercracker because that’s not my name and I will get visibly upset with you! Shut up! You sound crazy right now! Go away!
My house is none of these things! What it is is absolutely rad! So if you would just pull your head out of your keister for a moment here, and, and… And actually listen to me. Jesus… If you could just listen for once in your life… You would understand that my house kicks ass and is extremely cool. You probably don’t get it because your house sucks comparative donkey dick. I bet your house is susceptible to missile strikes. Oh, I bet it is. Is my house susceptible to missile strikes? No! If an intercontinental ballistic missile was hurtling towards my humble domicile at mach fifteen or whatever, my establishment would simply sprout robotic legs and get up and run away, moving me to safety. I have a state of the art missile detection system on my roof. It’s actually the exact system that the U.S. government used during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Sure, sometimes it mistakes the moon for a nuke and I wake up in a different time zone because my house ran into Yukon Territory overnight, but that has only happened twice. Meanwhile, I bet your house wouldn’t stand a fucking chance. You would get your shit rocked by a missile.
Okay, twist my arm, that’s basically all that my house can do. The missile defense system, the refrigerator ice sculpture carver, and the Wipeout motivator were the first three ideas that came to me. Look, getting these features installed was NOT cheap. I wanted to have a bunch more awesome stuff like that shark cannon from Vector’s lair in Despicable Me, but unfortunately my card declined at both the shark place and the cannon place. THAT was embarrassing. But at the end of the day, what matters most is that my automated house is cool and not scary, and your house is bad. So there’s that. Now get out of my hair about this and stop being so judgemental.
Cormac Abbey is a sophomore television and digital media production major who is seeking a small personal loan for a shark cannon. You can reach Cormac at [email protected].